Cold Fall

Cold Fall 

Its been almost two weeks now 
but it feels like in that time 
I have been long forgotten. 

I know it hasn't. 

I know those feelings are in there, 
somewhere....
inside the mysterious thing known as a 
"heart" 

I wonder if it would be easier if I had also 
distractions, plans, and groups of people to see, 
like yourself and the adventurous life 
that I can see from my feed. 

But it feels like that you've replaced my role 
(which I also know is untrue) 

I shouldn't wig out 
but I am. 

Why do I have to send the first message 
to old friends who know how far I am. 
How much I miss their friendship. 

Was it all words in the end? 

Was it just a dream to you?
And it was only his kiss that woke you from it? 

That kiss.... 

Something not born of 2014 
but from the damaged anxieties 
that left me broken in the year before. 

Am I akin to Lucifer? 
Falling from heavenly realms
because I chose a different path. 

To be bastardized by comrades 
as a mad devil? A creature of torment? 
All for trying to go against the socialized truth 
that seems to be all for against honestly 
and hiding behind false gods and angels 
of the pleasures and quick fixes. 

In my free-all from heaven to hell, 
I wish I had my life as a book to read on  
the cold plummet down. 
As the ice winds surround my fallen body 
in a vortex of snow and emotionless wails, 
I so wish I could just turn the pages to the end 
so I know what is coming. 

As a child I always read the last page first, 
knowing that I wouldn't understand unless I read the whole thing 
for it to make perfect sense. 
So I would be okay with the closure 
of closing a book to go for another one. 

I wish I could see the end of all this, 
so I know as my Nan once said, 
"This too shall pass." 
Pass into what? 
Because in a few pages, 
all I know this could leave me cold again.