April Eve

April Eve 

April eve is upon me 
and I wonder if this is just a little April shower 
that decided to leak out of me early 
or if the hurricane that has been raging so fierce 
for oh so long
is coming back full swing 
as the peace of mind in its eye 
is moving away from me 
like all things that give me peace
eventually do 

Powerfully Turbulent

Powerfully Turbulent 

As the minute hand hums 
the passing of time 
from one hour 
to a day 
to the coming month 
of this man's dying 
birth
dying again
and once again rebirth 
the banshee screams 
of the pain of the New Year's Kiss 
brought upon me 
I though where finally fading. 

But of late 
every time I speak 
I feel like I'm punching myself in the gut 
and the silence brought upon saying 
"I'm doing okay" 
apparently was quite 
because you don't want to scare off 
the prey that is my healing heart. 

The dripping jaws of anxiety 
have been waiting patiently 
as the birds of paradise once again thought it safe
to land on the icy shores 
of solitude and hope. 

The silent breathe of that anxious beast 
hidden the clouds of the depressive blues 
rages turbulent 
as joy leads to hate
hate leads to tears
tears lead to the abyss
and the line I've built to pull myself out 
once again looks like it might not be strong enough 
since I think at the top of the ledge
there might not be enough hands 
for be to believe are there. 

I sit in my hole in the ground 
cluttered with the signs that I've been more surviving 
than living 
thinking in fear 
of quickly the hopeful wind 
can carry daggers when the thought of you 
the thought of loving another 
the thought that I could be with someone 
makes me pour the held back tempest in my eyes 
but at the end of the day 
I still feel like I don't deserve it. 

That I am forever cursed to be too turbulent 
for happiness to ever truly grow 

Morn

Morn 

A few letters thrown together
to form a word 
a name 
but more importantly 
a memory. 

A song or tale 
that I can see or hear 
or both 
flashes memories of you 
of her 
and them 

Its been a long road 
since those spring showers 
that I nearly drowned in. 

As the seconds 
minutes
hours
days
weeks 
toll in on a year of rebirth 

I reflect and smile 
on all that I have achieved and gained. 

But these stray tears 
and the feeling that I have been punched in the gut
remind me of everything 
and everyone
I have lost 
to either their own understandings 
or my worst and deadly shadows 

Mosaic Walls

Mosaic Walls 

Under the influence of someone else 
I caught a glimpse of your mosaic walls 
from behind the table 
at an all you can eat eatery. 

We both found friendship 
that continued when she left me 
and things faded with yours. 

I think at first we didn't know why 
or maybe you did 
and I just didn't believe 
I could actually call myself a friend
so someone like you. 

You stuck up for me 
despite what she said
all because I made you laugh 
that December day 
now a yester year 
in our paths. 

Over time 
the farther I seem to be away from your home 
the more our bond grew 
in a beautiful friendship 
that even from here 
I can see is starting to show 
on your mosaic walls. 

I'm a distant tile 
that isn't at the top 
but I'm not at the bottom either. 

Even from this distant 
I can see the patchwork that keeps those walls strong 
as I can only imagine the pain, love, and 
the wild or cool emotions that are behind 
those towering walls. 

But as the glow of my laptop 
is the only embrace I know of your warmth 
I am happy that we are on each other's minds 
with cats and sea cows. 

I look forward to our next meeting 
and the adventures that will follow 
because its been a while 
that I've found a friendship 
that is so wonderful depicted 
on a mosaic wall as lovely as yours. 

Station 17

Station 17 

I woke up before the sunrise 
as the embers that kept me warm 
in that dreamland 
that I stumbled into 
constructed by memories of you 
and that rainbow connection we had. 

I don't know where it came from 
but you emerged to me in the dream 
that smile of yours guiding me 
to listen to your words. 

Maybe its all in my head 
and my terrors are trying to hurt my heart 
with giving me hope 
that maybe our story 
isn't quite done. 

I don't know you anymore
but at the same time 
I still feel linked to you 
for my heart sometimes gets heavy 
and I think "she's out on those crossroads again." 

I barely know the new you 
but I feel like I would still love you 
the way I did before. 

In the dream I had with you 
you told me that I was the one still 
but distance keeps ups from each other
as I try and figure my way to sustain 
and you try and figure out who you truly are. 

All I want to do 
is tell you I love you still, 
but I fear it would scare you 
with such a random out of the blue. 

In that waking moment 
between 4:30 in the morning and 5, 
I fell back onto that beach 
that cold December night 
where I got down on my knees 
to tell you 
how truly special you were to me. 

That memory is always so clean 
because whenever I'm sad
I remember that someone like you 
so flawed but perfect at the same time, 
said yes 
to a man who's path is still hidden from view.