Nightmares

Nightmares

My nightmares always seem to be 
about the same thing. 
Over and over again. 

It is I, 
in this present, 
trying to redeem friendships 
that I have lost in the past. 

When I made some of my most 
life changing mistakes, 
the revelations that set me down 
this long and uphill road, 
I take some comfort that they are happy. 

Those magnificent people 
who were the friends
that inspired me to be strong....

I miss them terribly. 

And yes, 
I still do have some of those friends
back in the lands of yester years, 
when I began my journey in this new found life. 

But some memories...
...some moments....
will always make me smile 
while at the same time 
reminds me of a horrible truth. 

That I am a man 
who has committed sins 
and still must work 
on his own self redemption. 

Had another...

Had Another....

Dream about you. 
Again. 

They happen from time to time. 
Whenever I except how much 
I now fear being intimate 
with most. 

But then I go to sleep with this fear
and I have a dream 
all about being close to you. 

How it was never hard 
to love you. 

It was...just love
it was hard
easy
stressful 
and fun. 

Sometimes
when I look at the knitted memories 
I still carry 
since they no longer hurt me 
or try give me some 
unrequited hope, 
I whisper to myself 
"I love you still." 

Sometimes I wonder
if its just the memory 
or I just still feel 
the connection. 

A shame 
that we may never see each other again 
for I am here
and you are there. 


And for me
I no longer belong there. 

In fact, 
I don't belong in anyone's there. 

Could Have...

Could Have... 


I could have done more 
when I really thought about it, 

but I thought I made it clear 
that I had feelings for you. 

I thought I said "I liked you" 
"I wish I was there" 
"We could wake up together" 
"You make me happy" 

But then again, 
it could have been all in my head. 

Like it always is. 

And like it always is 
I always some how to burn something 
and leave another scar. 


Sometimes I wish I didn't unknowingly wittle away 
all because I decide to take a chance 
and like someone more than I honestly want. 

And whats worse 
that side of me 
the cruel and more human side 
wishes to just prove you wrong 
that it was a two way street
and show you the exact places
in which you misread 
my words 
on the extent of how I feel. 

It seems whenever I use my heart 
it just causes more confusion 
because deep down 
I've always been afraid 
to let someone in 
due to the past 
where I always placed 
second place 
due to timing. 

Untitled...

Untitled 

This is corny
rash
and strange.

But I just spent most of my night
talking with just you
in a way like I know you
but at the same time,
I don't.

I selfishly don't care
if you don't think you haven't done much.
To me..you have done so much more
than I ever have
because you lived your life.

You traveled to the now
but it is not hard to see the past
and those whispers of pain
that seem to silently flow out
from that gorgeous grin.

You have eyes that sparkle like stars
but the darkness of this world
is forever visibly haunting.

And that is okay.

It is alright.

I like you because I see all of this
but still want to hang round,
just to see you smile.

As we lay around
talking the night away
about the silly little things,
the scars hurt a little less.

Allowing the weight of caring for others
feel a little lighter.

And most comforting of all
that we are not alone
in our not so secret desire
that we really just want to be left alone.