Rage from A Name

Rage From a Name 

Rage rage rage
all from a name 
that I've known for all 
my young life. 

Never would I dream 
that this name 
once a sign of the truest 
and purest form of friendship 
even kinship 
would make me so angry
at the mere mention of it 
on a screen or even writing it. 

This name 
that I will not mention 
for it will be forever entombed
in this rage 
as a meer memory 
represents 
the turning point 
when I realized that I 
as much as I didn't want to 
move on from a place
that I no longer desired
but keenly looked forward 
to returning. 

Not for her, 
but for you. 

Now I turn and run 
because you have burned me 
out of my home 
knowing that your growing passion 
for someone that was my "yes" 
is now in your grace. 

But are you really like that?
Do you really want to put someone like her 
over a friendship like ours? 
Do I not matter to you? 
Did Time Square mean nothing? 
Did forever a friend just mean when it was convenient? 

I was there for you 
when you didn't need me 
but I was always there for you. 
In the cold wind of a the first of probably many 
lonely and frigid holidays
where my own personal demons 
leave me fiery coals in the efforts 
to burn my own confidence down 
you turn tail 
because you can't deal? 

A friend sticks with a friend 
no matter how bad it can get. 
Even when the friend turns feral. 
You are no exception 
for I listen to nights 
where you scared me 
with your own self-loathing 
and the pain that I knew in the long scheme of things 
didn't matter 
but they were important to you
so I respected it. 

Now when I need you most 
when I need my best friend the most 
you turn because you can't face 
that I will remind you
that you chose her 
over me 
despite knowing that I loved her. 
That she and I had silver ties 
promising that my return would mean so much more. 

You know how I feel 
but distance makes it easier 
to ignore.
To make me this phantom 
that appears unreachable. 

That is not the case. 
You have all forms to call
to message
to make sure that 
I'm all okay. 

I want to call you the worse of names
condemn you to the lowest forms 
of respect 
due to your pathetic reasons
and the most unmanly of gestures 
as you pursue someone on the grave our friendship. 

I've been fighting. 
I want your friendship. 
It means the world to me 
but you disregard my feelings
because you want her that badly. 

Then fine. 
I'll stop fighting. 
Just know if you make the choice with her 
that I will take it 
that Time Square was another one of your lies 
and that all that was ahead of us
may never come 
because you are willing 
to bury us 
under the hope you might not be lonely. 

When you were never really alone. 
You always had me. 
Wasn't that enough? 

To paraphrase 
as the night creeps to end the first day 
of a new and hopeful lunar year

There is rage 
rage

growing 
in the light of your name
and burns away 
the memory of mine.