January 3rd...Your 2nd

January 3rd....Your 2nd 

Its 9:07pm where I am 

alone in my lair 

where the still air is electrified 

by my anger 

Only to be cooled down 

but the sleeping face

 of this morning’s7:07 am 

makes me quell the anger brewing. 

I do not know what the coming hours will bring. 

I fear I will lose a friend or friends. 

But I take this time to enjoy the moments of 

your sleeping face 

for they might be the last I see or hear of you 

in a long long while. 

I’m sorry for my demons 

rattling my cage 

from a poorly placed joke 

to settle your nerves. 

I love you still 

and am horrified that we all played a part 

but one appears to have puppeteer a way into your heart 

by making sure you couldn’t see the truth in mine. 

This is why I always told you to tell the truth

to be honest and not fearful of what would come 

but now in the midsts of the new year dawn

I sit here and think 

“Why did it go so wrong.” 

Because I was scared for you 

scared that I lost my cool 

as an old enemy stirred 

feeding off something that I helped create. 

Turning a light into a blood bathe 

for the piranhas of anxious currents 

eat me alive. 

I didn’t mean what I said. 

I hated that I said them. 

Words have power and I said somethings I really regret. 

I expect that it would be seen by him 

in the comfort of our friendship of old 

that he would understand. 

I thought he always did. 

But apparently I rang a dinner bell

and he jumped the gun. 

Making sure that I took the shot while he showed you the bullet

that brought me down.  

It was a misfired bullet 

a scare amongst feelings 

of how pure and the wanting 

of loving you again. 

I have still not shed a tear. 

Because I have nothing to cry about. 

Not yet. 

I hate how my abandoned state 

let him convince you that it was “okay” 

failing to let you know that even though 

I said that it would be alright “twice” even maybe “three times” 

The rest of the talks where cascades of longing 

of Loving you

of wanting to see that next tomorrow. 

of the life we wanted so badly to live. 

Its true, if I had never left 

we would never had to have face this. 

But we are both twenty two 

and there is so much to do. 

But I hate that you struggle to find your place

and he knows damn well why I gave you space. 

He lied on things 

that i expected to be taken to the grave. 

A code 

a bond

was broken this day. 

He is swine and I await to see him try for a second chance. 

He has maybe three blows against me 

but he didn’t listen 

not one time 

to what I was really saying.

I love you. 

I gave you space because I wanted to be good for you. 

To be what you needed. 

Not for him to sneak in 

and take the girl 

in my tower. 

He failed to see the signs 

that I so read to you. 

You get why he could have not seen them 

but a lot of “love” is seen canceling my 

OK-ness. 

Its 2014. 

 Lets start a fresh. 

Cut the bad blood and give it a rest. 

Sadly though, what he did was really quite vile. 

And its safe to say I will put him on trail. 

For I can not trust him. 

Not now. Or ever again. 

He chose you over me. 

At the end of the day, 

He chose you 

over me.