At Last, Little One

At Last, Little One 

Last night 
I talked to a stranger 
and she 
with her wisdom recognized 
why I get so scared 
why fear and anger 
creates the monsters 
that I thought dwelled in the darkness of the closet 
or clawing from 
under the bed. 

My anxiety 
the depression that blooms from it 
I finally think 
I know what its true face is. 

Its not some monster 
an abyssal nightmare 
with fangs drenched 
in the blood of 
my mistakes 
the wrong doings 
the things that I told myself 
to never look back on. 

This thing
this thing I've carried all my life 
unknowing of what it was 
and only recently accepting it 
only surprised me more 
that its not an "it"

This creature that muddles my brain
makes me fear others 
is nothing more 
than me. But not the current me. 
Not the man that I am becoming.

I've spent so much time 
trying to evolve 
trying to become the best I could ever be 
and the pressure of what the world outside the nest 
can provide for me.

I forgot to understand that my mental disorder 
is nothing more 
than an imprint 
of me 
when I was young 
and on my own for the first time. 

That child of days long past 
and he fears still the demons 
that lurk in the shadows of my choices. 

Oh that little one 
with the brown eyes still new to the world 
so much love he has still 
but how he doesn't want to lose it. 

How he cries at the death of a monster 
and cheers at the birth of one. 

I just can't believe 
that its taken me this long to see it 
despite how I travelled to the other side 
of our big giant planet 
with a blanket of the jungle 
and a stuffed and worn tyrannosaur 
that I have had since that time. 

I am sorry 
that I ignored who you truly were 
and I  understand that you are scared. 
I'm scared too. 
There is a lot ahead of us little one
but I'm glad that I can now try and help you. 
You inspired me to be what I wanted to do 
but I never realized that  you were still there 
and I left you alone 
all alone 
in a memory of a house that is no longer there 
with the shelter of that green carpet  
and the toys that have now aged beyond play. 

I know this isn't how you thought it would be
when we would finally be an "adult". 
You wonder where the woman we love is 
where the cool house is 
where the dreams we shared under a starry sky in Texas 
of who we would be. 

I feel that you are disappointed in me
and I know I strayed off the path 
that we thought I would never leave. 
I don't know if you will ever forgive me, 
Little One 
but I don't fear you 
and I understand your pain. 

I mistook you for a beast 
because when I was your age 
we couldn't talk 
in anything but the call of the wilds. 
Its okay 
I'm right here for you.
I'm not that strong of a man yet 
and I get pressured in the world of offices and relationships 
every time I get out of bed. 

I just want you to know 
that I love you 
because without you 
I would never be me. 

We will be okay. 
We really really will little one. 

If  you need to cry, 
cry. 
If you need to scream, 
scream. 

I can handle it. You are me and I am you. 
I am going to do my best 
because its no longer about me. 
This isn't my life anymore. 
Its ours. 

The house that we grew up in 
is gone. 
That field is a concrete parking lot. 
Our dogs, the furry companions that protected us 
are now ashes to the winds of our memories. 
That Godzilla, the one we so desperately hide from view
because we were drawn to it 
like a moth unknowing of what a flame would be 
is probably a recycled bottle. 
That land that we once viewed as "home" 
is now just a more urbanized Houston. 

The second home, is now equally foreign 
with friendships now more memory then reality 
and that moment of "Yes" still floats around 
Station 17 on that cold December night 
where her smile will forever be the clearest memory. 
The sandbox is gone and the monsters that were lost in it 
are plastic fossils that may never see the light of day again. 

I know
Little One 
its weird what time and change can do 
to those memories of happiness and joy. 
I can feel you in my chest 
that you don't understand 
but Little One, 
I barely do. 

But I know one thing, 
you don't have to be scared 
and if you are
its okay. 

I will protect you from them 
you
and myself. 

Little One 
its time to 
smile. 

At last, 
Little One 

Its time to smile.