An Untitled Poem

An Untitled Poem 

....sometimes I think it would be easier just to write one again. 

but I know if I do.......

....it will be a slippery slope 

and I wish not to fall to the bottom........

.....all over again.......

....simply because there is still so much to do

and the kettle isn't even on........

Rage from A Name

Rage From a Name 

Rage rage rage
all from a name 
that I've known for all 
my young life. 

Never would I dream 
that this name 
once a sign of the truest 
and purest form of friendship 
even kinship 
would make me so angry
at the mere mention of it 
on a screen or even writing it. 

This name 
that I will not mention 
for it will be forever entombed
in this rage 
as a meer memory 
represents 
the turning point 
when I realized that I 
as much as I didn't want to 
move on from a place
that I no longer desired
but keenly looked forward 
to returning. 

Not for her, 
but for you. 

Now I turn and run 
because you have burned me 
out of my home 
knowing that your growing passion 
for someone that was my "yes" 
is now in your grace. 

But are you really like that?
Do you really want to put someone like her 
over a friendship like ours? 
Do I not matter to you? 
Did Time Square mean nothing? 
Did forever a friend just mean when it was convenient? 

I was there for you 
when you didn't need me 
but I was always there for you. 
In the cold wind of a the first of probably many 
lonely and frigid holidays
where my own personal demons 
leave me fiery coals in the efforts 
to burn my own confidence down 
you turn tail 
because you can't deal? 

A friend sticks with a friend 
no matter how bad it can get. 
Even when the friend turns feral. 
You are no exception 
for I listen to nights 
where you scared me 
with your own self-loathing 
and the pain that I knew in the long scheme of things 
didn't matter 
but they were important to you
so I respected it. 

Now when I need you most 
when I need my best friend the most 
you turn because you can't face 
that I will remind you
that you chose her 
over me 
despite knowing that I loved her. 
That she and I had silver ties 
promising that my return would mean so much more. 

You know how I feel 
but distance makes it easier 
to ignore.
To make me this phantom 
that appears unreachable. 

That is not the case. 
You have all forms to call
to message
to make sure that 
I'm all okay. 

I want to call you the worse of names
condemn you to the lowest forms 
of respect 
due to your pathetic reasons
and the most unmanly of gestures 
as you pursue someone on the grave our friendship. 

I've been fighting. 
I want your friendship. 
It means the world to me 
but you disregard my feelings
because you want her that badly. 

Then fine. 
I'll stop fighting. 
Just know if you make the choice with her 
that I will take it 
that Time Square was another one of your lies 
and that all that was ahead of us
may never come 
because you are willing 
to bury us 
under the hope you might not be lonely. 

When you were never really alone. 
You always had me. 
Wasn't that enough? 

To paraphrase 
as the night creeps to end the first day 
of a new and hopeful lunar year

There is rage 
rage

growing 
in the light of your name
and burns away 
the memory of mine. 

Anxiety

Anxiety 

Fearing the calm between tempests 
because you think its a lie 
and that the storms are already raging 
because your mind whispers the thunder 
and your heart gets pierced by lighting. 

Missing Cog

Missing Cog 

Sometimes his words 
comes back into my head 
when I talk to you 
or anyone else. 

That I'm wrong
and he's right. 

That I am pretty monstrous 
and maybe I should stop looking 
for people to talk to 
because in the end
I could just end up hurting them. 

I hate how he makes me feel like 
I can't talk to you
because everything I do 
makes me feel like I'm hurting you 
and proving his point 
that I'm a monster. 

Monster 
Monster 
Monster with the missing cog. 

I take a breath and try and think of the positives 
to some 
I am a monster
but not in the fearful term 
I'm just different 
and misunderstood. 

Its easy to call someone a "monster" 
when they don't know the story 
behind the beast with the missing cog. 

What that missing cog is? 

I don't know. 

For all I know, I have it 
and they are the ones that are missing it. 

But at the same time
who knows. 

I guess of late
I fear that I'm being remembered more for my wrongs
than the rights that I try to do 
in the name of friendship and love. 

Maybe I'm no better than a man 
who raises a fist 
in the name of God. 

The Knot of a Grin

The Knot of a Grin 

It slipped in again
that tug of the neck 
as I wore my green tie
in my palace of childish learning.

She didn't know 
she just found a new game 
as she liked to pull on it 
unknowing of the drug 
she was dripping into my blood. 

It was funny 
because ironically 
I started to view that whole 
"faulty wiring" 
as a child itself. 

Is that why it likes to give it a tug 
now again
because its funny 
despite me saying "no"? 

No harm was done 
and I just went into auto-pilot 
for despite her tugging 
she reminds me why 
I get up 
and teach her and her friends. 

Because every day 
I go to that place 
no matter what mood I am in 
and the children of generations 
don't see me for what I have done 
but what I can do 
in bringing joy into the world. 

Wanna Know the Reason

Wanna Know the Reason 

In my time of understanding that I will forever be casted
as that wandering yet hopeless romantic 
the tragic character who sees a world so grand and beautiful 
and in my wake
I try and share the beauty with the select few 
that make me see a sunset 
only too seem their soul 
dance the aura of a twilight glow. 

Many of them 
don't deserve the love. 
They can be callous 
and selfish. 

They worry about the strangest things; 
money 
what will their friends think 
what about work tomorrow

They think of all these things that 
are better left dealt 
for tomorrow. 

They also understand that I 
do play the hopeless romantic 
and sometimes suffocate at the purity of affections 
I give to them. 

But do you wanna know the truth of it 
most of the time
they drive me crazy. 

Their emotions seem pointless at times
where it is easy to see that anger 
fear
and choosing the easier route 
makes things complicated. 

It drives me up the wall. 
Sometimes I want to give up
or give in 
or just leave them without a word 
and return to the world of the road that I know 
oh so sadly well 

But do you wanna know the reason 
why that despite the pain 
the misery
the almost some could call 
torture
of being in love with those that I have fallen so head over heels for? 

Its because at the end of the day 
when all is said and done 
when the last candle flickers into the shadows of night 
and no more words 
can hurt either of us
despite them dwelling like a circulating current 
of reminding of what is said, 

My hands still reach out for them 
for her 
they still reach out 
under the covers 
because regardless of what is said or done 
I still love you 
and my most blissful sleeps 
will always be next to you. 

New York Sound

New York Sound 

I do oddly miss that New York Sound 
of yellow cabs going too fast 
of pedestrians voicing their concerns 
in what some would say the most 
elegant manners. 

I miss those hot sweaty summer sidewalks 
and the crisp cold air of Central Park. 

I miss how the wind would blow through 
the steel constructs
of mankind's dream 
of reaching the heavens. 

I miss the odd shops 
and the food joints that you call your own. 
The comforts of living in compact places
and coming back to a flat 
where your eyes would wait. 

I miss the chatter of the subway 
and the ballads of the tracks against the wheels
as those trying to make it big 
collect dollars and dimes 
for their evening meals. 

I miss the culture of the arts 
and how it was always on display. 

Manhattan was an island of day delights
and evening sins. 

And oddly enough
I think that New York Sound 
makes me view it as kind of a home.  

At Last, Little One

At Last, Little One 

Last night 
I talked to a stranger 
and she 
with her wisdom recognized 
why I get so scared 
why fear and anger 
creates the monsters 
that I thought dwelled in the darkness of the closet 
or clawing from 
under the bed. 

My anxiety 
the depression that blooms from it 
I finally think 
I know what its true face is. 

Its not some monster 
an abyssal nightmare 
with fangs drenched 
in the blood of 
my mistakes 
the wrong doings 
the things that I told myself 
to never look back on. 

This thing
this thing I've carried all my life 
unknowing of what it was 
and only recently accepting it 
only surprised me more 
that its not an "it"

This creature that muddles my brain
makes me fear others 
is nothing more 
than me. But not the current me. 
Not the man that I am becoming.

I've spent so much time 
trying to evolve 
trying to become the best I could ever be 
and the pressure of what the world outside the nest 
can provide for me.

I forgot to understand that my mental disorder 
is nothing more 
than an imprint 
of me 
when I was young 
and on my own for the first time. 

That child of days long past 
and he fears still the demons 
that lurk in the shadows of my choices. 

Oh that little one 
with the brown eyes still new to the world 
so much love he has still 
but how he doesn't want to lose it. 

How he cries at the death of a monster 
and cheers at the birth of one. 

I just can't believe 
that its taken me this long to see it 
despite how I travelled to the other side 
of our big giant planet 
with a blanket of the jungle 
and a stuffed and worn tyrannosaur 
that I have had since that time. 

I am sorry 
that I ignored who you truly were 
and I  understand that you are scared. 
I'm scared too. 
There is a lot ahead of us little one
but I'm glad that I can now try and help you. 
You inspired me to be what I wanted to do 
but I never realized that  you were still there 
and I left you alone 
all alone 
in a memory of a house that is no longer there 
with the shelter of that green carpet  
and the toys that have now aged beyond play. 

I know this isn't how you thought it would be
when we would finally be an "adult". 
You wonder where the woman we love is 
where the cool house is 
where the dreams we shared under a starry sky in Texas 
of who we would be. 

I feel that you are disappointed in me
and I know I strayed off the path 
that we thought I would never leave. 
I don't know if you will ever forgive me, 
Little One 
but I don't fear you 
and I understand your pain. 

I mistook you for a beast 
because when I was your age 
we couldn't talk 
in anything but the call of the wilds. 
Its okay 
I'm right here for you.
I'm not that strong of a man yet 
and I get pressured in the world of offices and relationships 
every time I get out of bed. 

I just want you to know 
that I love you 
because without you 
I would never be me. 

We will be okay. 
We really really will little one. 

If  you need to cry, 
cry. 
If you need to scream, 
scream. 

I can handle it. You are me and I am you. 
I am going to do my best 
because its no longer about me. 
This isn't my life anymore. 
Its ours. 

The house that we grew up in 
is gone. 
That field is a concrete parking lot. 
Our dogs, the furry companions that protected us 
are now ashes to the winds of our memories. 
That Godzilla, the one we so desperately hide from view
because we were drawn to it 
like a moth unknowing of what a flame would be 
is probably a recycled bottle. 
That land that we once viewed as "home" 
is now just a more urbanized Houston. 

The second home, is now equally foreign 
with friendships now more memory then reality 
and that moment of "Yes" still floats around 
Station 17 on that cold December night 
where her smile will forever be the clearest memory. 
The sandbox is gone and the monsters that were lost in it 
are plastic fossils that may never see the light of day again. 

I know
Little One 
its weird what time and change can do 
to those memories of happiness and joy. 
I can feel you in my chest 
that you don't understand 
but Little One, 
I barely do. 

But I know one thing, 
you don't have to be scared 
and if you are
its okay. 

I will protect you from them 
you
and myself. 

Little One 
its time to 
smile. 

At last, 
Little One 

Its time to smile. 

Porcelain Tears

Porcelain Tears

I can't believe 

As you enjoy the warm air 

And cheap booze 

I sit here on a porcelain throne 

Away from young eyes 

To cry this empty tears 

For the years now lost 

To us. 

I was fine 

But your name 

Sickens me. 

She did nothing wrong 

Her actions are human. 

It's yours

Knowing this would happen

Knowing you would hurt me like this

Thinking that a kiss or two from her 

Would be worth it

Because I anxiously said it was okay 

Even though you were the one that talked to me out of it 

And not three days later 

Knowing I still loved her 

Did it

Because I am so far. 

"It's easier," you said. 

Easier? How is leaving me 

Knowing you would hurt me 

Knowing I am hurt 

Knowing that you are with her 

And at least your happy 

And she is okay. 

How is that easier 

That someone who grew up with you 

Is sitting on a porcelain throne 

Crying empty tears

For now empty years. 

Not Fair

Not Fair 

What hurts the most 
is the fact that 
I'm the one 
that needs to stop talking
when it was you 
that did the act. 

I know it takes two to tango 
but in the long run
I'm the one 
that feels like I'm hurt


I'm the one that feels like the monster
that did some unknown act that is worse 
than yours. 

And I hate that I can't talk to her 
because I make her sad 
while you 
come in like some valiant knight
and make her smile. 

Thats what I was doing 
that was what I was meant to do. 
I mean
I loss a friendship with you 
because you couldn't 
stop talking either? 

Did you not value the days of christmas tree battering rams 
late nights in a galaxy far, far, away 
beers in Time Square 
and beach walks by moonlight 
talking about the worlds that 
were far beyond our unknown 

And I feel bad 
that I miss her 
just talking to me. 

Its not fair that you two 
can run and ignore what is done
while I sit here 
still new to the world 
with nothing to really think 
can hold me up 
in the realms of what a "friend" is.

I just hate that all of this 
showed two faces. 
One I wan't surprised to find in her, 
a person who is pained with loving 
and is trying her best 
to be a "good person" 
in world where that is harder to do 
than saying. 

While I see your face now 
that cocky grin 
that hides 
the arrogance and selfishness 
that you think 
that world is constantly against you 
and that you should take nothing for granted. 

If it makes you happy, 
bugger what other people feel. 
You are addicted 
to the pain that you say you don't crave 
and because of it
you lost a friend
and aided 
in breaking two hearts. 

Its just simply not fair 
that I have to the be the man who remembers 
and you are forcing me to be the man 
who wants to so desperately forget. 

1:30 AM

1:30 AM 

In-between yawns and nonexistent dreams 
its now I realize how serious I was 
that I'm not going to try and communicate with you 
it feels wrong
especially since he's probably already making plans 
to hang out with you 
now that I'm out of the picture 

Its in these final moments
as another yawn
like a breeze 
blows a few more words onto the page. 

I still feel hallow 
not as hallow as before 
but its lonely down and far away in here. 

I guess 
if I had to make a wish 
that I wouldn't be the one to make it so 
to hear a knock on my door 
and there is you 
or her 
standing there smiling 
and the hug that follows 
would put me to sleep. 

I just 
as needy as it sounds 
want to know the feeling again 
that I am truly missed. 

I know I am 
but the cool touch 
that warms the stale heart 
assures me 
that its all alright. 

What Comes Down Must Eventually Find a Way Up

What Comes Down Must Eventually Find A Way Up 

Amazing
how much has changed
in almost a month. 

I went from thinking I had the one 
to realizing that I wasn't ready
and neither was she. 

I went to thinking I had the best friend 
in the whole reality
to see that he makes choices 
for his own benefit 
to hid from pain. 

I'm jealous
of those who aren't like. 
Like the many I know 
who are my so called 
"Warning Label People" 

We struggle everyday
and when we trip 
boy, 
do we fall hard. 

A lot of us, kind of get stuck 
either falling forever
or land and believe 
that our spine is broken 
and don't bother to change. 

Me, 
I've got a lot of fight still in me right now. 
Or at least I still believe I do 
despite the heavy chains
that tie to the ones 
that pull me down 
and make me feel 
like the monster I know
I can truly be. 

The weight can be unbearable as 
I am akin to Prometheus 
to be forever chained as 
the vultures of anxiety 
pick away my flesh 
cawing at the black feathered memories
of pain 
loss
and hate. 

I'm not perfect 
and granted I have my scares 
that riddle me below the skin 
I still move 
and climb up that jagged cliff face. 

I can smell a breeze at the top 
and I sometimes see glimpses of her
of them 
the world that only can be born 
with the hands of a stronger
and wiser man 
than the being that I am now, 
a being currently clawing its way out of the past 
and into his future. 

But as I notice that the once jagged cliff
is starting to bloom in the sun 
I think of her 
and that one 
and this one 
and those eyes 
and smiles 
that I have been graced to see 
and I know that I am loved. 

As the vultures come down 
to peck away what they can 
I lift that one hand from the face
and I move on up 
little by little. 

Not to much longer I say 
because my life 
is in sight 
and I'm not going to let you 
pull my heavy chains 
down to you levels. 

The Words of My Father's Sword

The Words of My Father's Sword

I can't believe 
that you did this. 
Even Brutus,
a man who saw blood spill on marble senate floors, 
would shiver at your selfish reasonings of why
why you had to be the one 
to plunge the blade deep. 

Sitting in silence
my father's burly words 
echo in my ears 
and help let absent tears 
fall across my face 
and to the tune 
of the heart beat reveille
to honor a fallen time in the now present past. 
"Trust is a double edged sword, my son" 
"Without proper balance, my son" 
"You will cut yourself and others
leaving a wound that will never fully heal"  

Alright

Alright 

Okay. 

Alright. 

Fine. 

I get it. I get it. 
I understand the whys 
because her passing joke 
became my anxious obsession. 
That anxiety fed your confusion 
and set up a fragile trigger 
that when fired 
would shoot a hole through someone. 
A pity it was me. 

We were all at fault 
but at least she and I 
have been there for each other
even when its hard on 
the conflicting emotions 
of finding our balance. 

I have noticed that I don't tell her about my feelings 
I haven't said that word to her as much 
as I used to. 
I still feel it, but its not the fuel to this fire. 
For from our convos, 
the tinders have snapped and this rage
this boiling and fiery rage 
is focused on you. 

You have chosen to simply wash your hands 
and leave me be. 
You fear me? 
Why? 
Because I nearly relapsed? 
Because of you? 
Never. 

Because of her? 
No way. She would kill me.

I teetered on revisiting
that old wound 
because I am in a hornet's nest 
buzzing and stinging 
with sudden change. 

I mean, 
understand that I don't care 
about the love I once had. 
Its not what I need. 

I need a friend 
and she understands that. 

You fail at it sir
because I am still grasping at the idea 
that it was you? 
You put at risk all our time together
all the adventures
from Time Square to Reddrum Root Beers
all of that 
is now just a fond memory 
because you chose 
a kiss or two 
over a friendship that has lasted 
as long as we've lived. 

You are not the man 
that I once knew. 

Its sad that this is how the friendship 
will crumble 
because you "can't deal." 
When everyone else seems to be doing better
than what you
my so called....best friend 
can. 

Maybe it will come again 
but with your attitude 
of defending that I am the real villain 
in this story...
a monster? The dragon to your St. George? 

Then it never will. Because you choose to 
slay our friendship 
with your own arrogance.  

The Alien

*this is not a poem 

She honestly still couldn’t believe it was still there. That hulking mass was still in her room as it hummed the tunes to songs that captured the beauty of humanity. It was fascinated with the music and videos that the internet provided of the creative spirit of humanity. Occasionally, it would see something that would show the worst of humanity and it would look at her with those alien eyes that spoke without saying any words, even though she could hear it. The simplest of questions, “Why?” 

She would only answer a painful look at the creature, knowing full well that humanity, despite its wonder of beauty and things beyond the scope of reality; we are a selfish and terrible race. A group of creatures where belief allows death of our own kind and difference allows a hatred that is unknown to the rest of evolutionary reality. 

So the creature sits there as her heart beats for it, knowing that in its quest for self discovery. She is falling for it. Not because its this simple creature who is learning what it means to be a human, because its trying to be more than that simple and mundane concept. 

Glass

Glass 

I sit here 
with a bottle that is nearly empty 
but a glass that is once again full 
simply because you left 
and I try and keep the joy 
of that presence 
knowing that you know 
there 

Its been a while 
and there are only a few I 
view as "worth it" 

Seriously, 
I woo easily 
but there are only a few people on this planet 
in my timeline alone 
that make me feel the way 
that you make me feel 

I hate it

Because I work so hard to try and balance 
the feelings 
of wanting to be your friend 
and being something more 

Which leads me to think of the one 
that is now in the eye of my best friend
who wants to be friend 
but I can't right now 
because the wound still bleeds 
and the only way it will heal 
is with his friendship
but he has made his choice
thinking that because of this distance 
makes is obvious
that he would selfish choose you. 

And then its you 
the first I even thought that far
with that smile 
that makes me way to happy 
after all this time 
and the odd hope that I should expect 
that you come with too much luggage 
at my door for a while 

And then there is the damn cat 
who sometimes just wanders into my thoughts
because of mutual friends 
thinking when all is said and done
we'll always be fore each other

But then again 
there is so much rage
and pain 
that only the liquid of brief relief 
can hold back 

but luckily
the mistress of sleep 
and dreams 
coaxes me to familiar sheets
and warm blankets 
to make me forget 
that this was frankly
all a dream 
with ups and downs 
and tomorrow is again full of possible realities. 
  

That Damn Cat

That Damn Cat 

I met you like most strays 
at the set of the sun 
and straight on into the night. 
Just this grinning kitten 
that for some odd reason 
seemed much older than it was. 
You purred and played 
till you outgrew the milk 
and went for stronger stuff. 

You would sometimes wander back 
into the homes that I dwell 
and its always a good time 
seeing you 
and those eyes of yours. 

But sometimes I rub you the wrong way 
and you hiss and bite 
going back to the night 
where you so thrive. 

Its funny to see 
after all these years 
how you've gone home to home 
and frankly 
done your own thing 
in the elegance that you always seem to land on your feet. 

You are that damned cat 
a creature that I feel I will always leave something out for 
because maybe one day you will somehow just wander back in 
just to disappear again into the night when the fire goes low. 

Tremor Triggers

Tremor Triggers 

The worst thing 
about these chemicals 
that bathes in the shadows that 
are casted by the light 
of a smile 

Is that they like to send tremors 
triggering emotional responses 
and thoughts
that you just know aren't good. 

They go after the smallest details 
that will send shivers down your spine 
and make you feel like 
that despite the good things 
plots are turning on unseen wheels 
to bring you down 
to the hell that you sadly believe
you belong

In this modern day of connectives 
where a name can simply pop up on a corner of your feed
it can disturb someone how you can go out of the way 
and ignore people 
and know that you are being ignored. 

And then the triggers keep going like quakes 
leading up to something much bigger 
but unlike a tremor 
you can fight back 
against the earthquake that you can feel 
rattling up your spine. 

Just remember sometimes you just have to 
let it go 
amongst the breeze 
as memories dance among the poppies 
leave your dreams 
and quell the shivers 
that a chapter is ending 
much quicker than you thought it was. 

As the page turns 
tears will snowflake on those final pages 
and hopefully 
the inked words that are being written 
will wash away 
and you will never truly know 
how it ends

Despite the fact I can smell smoke 
as I unknowingly burn the pages that 
will make me feel closer 
to you

Crossroads

Crossroads 

As I start to fall asleep 
to enter yet another week at work 
in the lands far from the ones 
that I am familiar to 
I realize that I am in the center 
of a junction in my life. 
If you pardon the cliche' 
I'm at a crossroads. 

My worlds 
the people that walked in my shoes before me
the baby 
the child 
the teenager
the hopeless romantic 
the brooding egotist 
the runner 
the addict 
the drunk 
the author 
the artist 
the director 
the dreamer
the graduate 
the monster 
the wanderer 
the actor 
the teacher
the explorer 

All these people 
all these people who were me 
they got me to this point 
this fixed moment where 
I am now in an environment 
that is square one 
to a whole new board game 

The dice are rolling and I make the steps needed
but I have no idea what perks I will discover
or what hazards I will fall into. 
I will become a man 
by the end of all this. 

I have my demons, I see them dance around me 
as I try to ignore their anxious whispers. 
Friends and feelings turn to ghosts 
haunting me to remember the 
mes that came before me. 
The friends those people made 
and the loves those ones found. 

Its a brave new world ahead 
and tomorrow is another roll of the dice 
for me to turn into what I need to become. 

And frankly, I'm just excited that I am indeed
evolving 
as I take another step 
to leave the crossroads 

Daydreaming Helix

Day Dreaming Helix 

Sometimes 
I think 
its a bad thing that I love 
science fiction 
about time travel 
alternate realities 
and day dreaming of the other worlds. 

I think it got worse when I started to see 
that time and space 
helix around each other 
creating this ever present 
DNA that makes up 
this fleeting reality 
and the universes it contains. 

So sometimes I see a person 
and I see their eyes 
where I see a sparkle 
a shimmer in their iris 
that shows me a whole story 
of what could have beens 
and joys and woes I could maybe know. 

Sometimes it can flash only a month 
of passionate intercourse 
and a friction of "it will never work" 

Or sometimes I see a few years go by 
with our first apartment 
or maybe we create a book
and maybe see the world. 

But sometimes 
sometimes 
if I meet the right person 
I see just happiness
and a life that stretches far more 
than what I can imagine. 

I can only think a few 
that give me that feeling in the later 
and I feel like I should act on them 
but I'm scared 
and I should worry about my own 
little spiral of DNA 
that dances amongst the other helixes 
in this wide universe 
swaying in the winds of space 
as time seeks to create 
something new 

Autumn

Autumn 

It was only recently 

As the plight of winter 

Began to recede in a tide 

Of snow and the cold 

That for me 

My heart blooms in the fall of months

Ever since I started my journey 

Of becoming a man 

I find the individuals 

That call 

To my heart 

That is in the midst of 

Preparing to hibernate 

From the winter cold 

In the hope for spring's life giving kiss. 

But as the leaves change from 

My color green 

They turn into vibrant displays 

Of the icy cold touch 

Of the yearly reaper

They appear 

The dryads that plant seeds 

Of romance

Sex 

And most of all 

Love 

Oh how I am lucky 

That the women 

Who I have shared lips 

And passion 

Have all given me strength 

And lessons 

On who and what 

I am. 

Like autumn 

These woman stay with me 

And serve as muses, 

Dancing in my memories 

Showing the good 

The bad 

And the ugly memories 

Of love

And heartbreak. 

So I now live life 

In hope for autumn 

Because as the changing leaves show 

My love could come in the next 

Falling song. 

That Morning of the Nightingale

That Morning of the Nightingale 

The cool light of a still foreign sun 

Drifted quietly

Into the room that only last week was 

Still yours 

My first thoughts were filled with guilt 

Not because of what happened 

Because I liked it for more than it was. 

You were still asleep 

The golden field of hair 

Gently brushing against my arm. 

You smiled as your slept as 

I moved and you squeezes me closer. 

I had her. 

You have him.

And I basked in your slumber 

I smiled 

But then her face came in. 

Confusion 

Heartache 

I woke you up 

And in a cool voice 

That I am sure showed the panic 

In my eyes. 

To leave. 

Funny thing was..

...I wanted to go with you. 

But now....

Is it regret that I did bugger it at first? 

Is it regret I should have started it then 

Fresh and following my vow 

To be honest with my feelings? 

That I don't know what you are 

But the thought of our time together not be in full 

Makes me feel 

A little lost in the night 

With simply the thought, 

"Should I knock on the door 

And answer her nightingale song?"

Kaiju Heart

Kaiju Heart

From the first time I saw them 
as I just left the home of my birth
to start the story of how I would evolve 
from a boy to a man 
I always felt kinship 
to the monsters that made mankind 
look so small. 

I wanted to be like them 
wishing I had the scales, 
or wings, 
or unnatural war cries 
that would make tanks
planes 
and soldiers shudder. 

The destruction they laid across the 
miniature landscapes 
of a land faraway from what I knew 
made many people think I enjoyed 
see the blood bath 
of broken miniature 
and bad lip-syncing. 

But as I got older 
I realized why this genre 
these mighty and rubbery beasts 
made me feel like I was one of them. 

They were unique. 
They were the only ones of their kind. 
They were alone 
and large 
they never could fit
in this modern world 
despite that even though 
people didn't try and understand them 
they still fought to protect humanity 
and the planet 
from forces that were outside 
of anyone's control. 

I connected to their struggles 
and learned of a quote 
that the father of these films 
described 
as he saw that their size 
strength 
weight 
were not their fault. 
They were born that way 
and evil isn't in birth 
it is given. 

And that was their tragedy. 

As a man with a Kaiju Heart 
I try and live in their way 
and control the unstoppable rage 
that is inside 
my own body. 

I do my best to protect 
but I know that in my wake 
things will break
and there will be scars 
in the lands that I tread. 

I guess I always wish to find the sea 
so I can submerge and sleep 
until I am needed to be called upon 
to either save the people 
and clash against other monsters
or 
if I am provoked in my life 
and attacked first 
to show someone 
the sheer terror that I can create 
when rage clouds my vision 
and only the thirst of destruction 
can comfort me and leave me what I fear the most. 

Alone. 

All alone. 

With my Kaiju Heart. 

Speechless

Speechless

I have a gob
Most people know it 
and I know I say it. 
I think its due to 
the fact 
that in my youth 
I didn't talk till I was four
and my first word was my name 
so
I get a little egotistical I think 
when I speak. 

But there is you 
and sure one would think 
that this thing
was because of that
but its not. 
Because I didn't try to make it that. 

But I wasn't lying in the cool 
lights of an subterranean friday 
of celebrations 
amongst the dancing and the 
comforting but warm touch of 
interlocking our fingers 
as you brush gently against my face. 

I still have feeling for her 
but you also make me question it 
always
from that first time I stumbled into your life 
and you into mine. 
I saw your face and those blue eyes 
and I think I fell for you 
right then and there 
unknowingly feeling 
that you were something 
very very important. 

When you speak I listen 
because you leave me speechless. 
I want to talk 
and pour words 
into your ears 
and try and be something. 

But its hard. So very hard 
to reach out to you 
because I fear that you will think 
I'm like all the rest 
and hurt you in the cold. 

I simply don't know 
what you are 
so I listen to you speechless 
because you are this intoxicating beauty 
and I like hearing your tone 
more than my own. 
Even when you yell 
or are angered 
or sad
your voice is pure melody 
and I can feel the ages that 
have been put in your life 
to make it such a beautiful song 
of hard work, struggle, passion, and life. 

I just want to tell you 
how beautiful you are 
and how amazing you are. 

But I walk with you speechless 
because your song 
is hypnotizing 
and I want to hear where comes next. 

friEND

friEND

It hits me like a high tide surge
where I drown in the unbelievable current 
of broken hearts
dishonesty 
and anxious turbulence of an unseen act. 

Like a snake that I held confidently at arm's reach
I was shocked to find the viper's fangs quickly bite me
and like lighting 
the poison flowed into my blood 
fouling up the heart and mind. 

I try so hard to find balance 
but sometimes I can't focus 
because the venom whispers 
the kiss 
the kiss
the kiss 
Those two sets of lips haunt me 
because it wasn't the woman. 
For once in my life, 
it wasn't the woman. 

She, who told me didn't have restraint, 
only went with it when you 
showed her select evidence
and failed to double check the dubious source you got it from. 

I've gone mad in my isolation 
and it sickens me that she puts up with it. 
and cares 
and understands 
despite the pain and irritation it brings. 

While you, 
you sir, 
tell me you can't as you walk away 
your footsteps tombstones 
on over a decade of friendship 
and reliability. 

Did it not even feel wrong? 
Knowing her last lips were on mine
before I left for my great step? 
That she and I were still in love, 
but distance was fracturing and we were still 
figuring out how to turn it out 
without harm? 

I feel like now, 
I have been condemned to walk now 
as a haunted spirit. 

Simple because, 
you can't deal. 

Yet, 
she still can.  

Unexpected Feeling

Unexpected Feeling 

Its such an unexpected feeling 
that every time I see your name 
or your face
or you talking to her 
it makes me feel so much rage
pain 
and betrayal. 

I have said it over a hundred times by now 
we all had parts to play 
on the nights 
in question

But what kind of man are you 
when you know how strong my feelings are
....were for her 
and you go and do that. 

If she kissed first
it would be a whole different story 
but you did it. 
You actively chose her 
over my feelings. 

I man who I once respected 
and trusted 
above all others 
and you 
you my "friend" 
go and stab me in the heart 
with a sharp prick of dishonesty
and desperation. 

Once more, you can't handle 
what you've done to me 
for feeding what I'm struggling with 
and helping it evolve into something
that I need the comfort of the most trusted friend 
to battle it. 

But no. 

I wonder while you are in the land of a mouse 
you see things that remind you of me 
and I that my friendship with you 
is haunting
Knowing forever more, 
that if I never come back 
it is simply because you proved to me 
that I can't rely on the one friend 
who I was always there for. 

Because I've forgiven myself 
for my anxious urges.
I've forgiven her, 
for feeling what she is feeling. 

But you 
You....
....I've tried 
but each time we talk 
you make it worse 
because you aren't man enough 
to face your actions 
and flee behind friends 
that I can't be with 
and talk to a girl 
I was in what I hoped would be the truest love. 

Its an unexpected feeling 
feeling all this anger 
when I look 
at your name. 

Leaving the Fault Lines

Leaving the Fault Lines 

Strange to think that the acts of three people 
who's stories were so intertwined 
were actually on a delicate tight rope 
and it was only a matter of time that one silly mistake 
would make the fault lines rupture 
and over night 
put everything into rubble. 

For the other two players, 
they had aid and support 
easily at their finger tips. 

But for me, my foundations fell from under me 
and only I myself could climb out of the 
debris of heartbreak 
betrayal 
and feeling the horrible truth 
that despite what they what, 
I think I'll never recover. 

Because what if it happens again? 
What if I never trust him again? 
What if I never get to say "I love you" 
to her again? 

I had such big plans for my "triumphant return" 
but I think my engines show, 
that you all live in a land 
where for some odd reason
a haze makes you try and relieve 
days long past. 

You are all the same. 
Under its song 
of palmetto trees 
and high school morals. 

Trying to get that thrill 
that you all know really 
one can get 
away from the borders 
of that bridge and harbor. 

I write this poem to say 
that I don't blame 
anyone for what happened. 

But I now see 
that I do not belong there. 
Like a creature lost in time, 
my steps in this foreign land
will only lead me to where I belong. 

And sadly,
the probability is, 
I will never see your faces again. 

For I lost them, 
in the shifting fault lines.  

Warning Label Guide

Warning Label Guide  

Its broken me 
when I needed it most. 
But that is the sad truth 
that this chemical imbalance shows. 

Anxiety and depression show what "love" looks like
and sometimes its disappointing 
when you find out some can't
despite everything.
simply because 
they are scared 
of what we are capable of. 

Only a select few get that its not "help" we seek.
I don't go to people for a "cure" 
to the madness that I find 
deep in the lair of my 
own soul, 
where even brave men fear to tread 
amongst the anxious dragons 
that hiss the fumes 
of self-loathing.  

I hoped that you would be able to handle it,
I warned you all how bad it was, 
and I fear you didn't truly get it
that even though the real "me" 
is what you know
I have a darker side to my coin. 
Its the same face
and sometimes it blurs the truth. 
I myself have only recently 
shook hands with my own personal devils 
and barely made it out alive. 

A word of advice 
to help the struggling adapt 
and learn how to handle themselves. 

Never ever 
ever never 
say 
"I can't deal with it." 

Because we can't deal with it either
and we go to you 
because we find strength and comfort 
from our own self-induced flames 
that fail to warm us 
and keep us cold. 

So next time 
you face a friend
love one 
or a person who makes you smile 
who bears the chemicals 
that burn away the confidence 

Don't shut them off 
for most of their words 
are spewed from fear 
and feeling like they can't escape 
their own hands. 

Let them talk. 
Listen and actually listen 
that its not a switch for us. 
It can't just be turned off. 

Happiness is
to the people with the warning labels 
simply and only is
a privilege  

Silly Little Far Away Crushes

Silly Little Far Away Crushes 

So I write this poem 

because for some odd reason

I really really like you. 

I don’t know if its a crush? 

Sometimes it feels like I missed something 

that night we first met 

where the only thing on our minds in that dark room 

was what scene in Lion King were should re-enact. 

I even got your number, 

but I was at the time too shy to call. 

Even though I did once text ya 

to see if you wanted to adventure. 

Over the years, we just only knew of each other. 

Social occasions we would both meet. 

But now I’ve graduated and you went up north. 

I don’t even know how our paths would ever meet again. 

I just want you to know that I really like you. 

Because from the window that I can see 

from a social network of fandoms and news, 

you are one groovy chick 

and I wish we could talk more. 

But I have no idea how to say “Hello” 

to someone who for all I know, 

would never hear me say “good-bye”. 

Because even though my heart will always belong to someone else, 

and you will probably never see this poem, 

I write to get it out there, 

that you 

young lady

are very very 

pretty. 

Too Much Too Much

Too Much Too Much 

Too much 
Too much 
Inside my head. 
All these thoughts 
and I lost control. 

The palace that I had crafted 
to keep my menagerie in check 
have all broken loose 
because I lost my cool. 

It was waiting for this, 
like a tropical storm 
that helped a unsuspecting agent 
turn off the power. 

The fences where down. 
The doors where open. 
And in the downpour of emotions 
my monsters came out. 

Not the creatures that I have tamed, 
but the ones I'm still studying 
learning their names. 
Its not just one big one 
no, 
a hundred dark creatures 
pulling at my strings. 

Thoughts of her 
and that her 
and this. 
From discovery of lies 
to disbelief of them. 
To beautiful dates 
and the sickness of knowing 
that the last kiss before him 
was that Sunday eve
were you quoted the Ninth at the time, 
and I saw you disappear around that corner 
never to be seen again. 

I don't know what to do. 
I just don't know what to do. 
So much is in my head. 
My past. 
My present.
My future. 
Its blurring again. 

I don't want to be alone. 
Not again. 
What must I do? 
What must I do? 
There is too much. 
There is too much. 

The Tell Tale Signs

The Tell Tale Signs 

The tell tale signs

that its has started to come back. 

It never makes a sound 

and hides in plain sight. 

You know that you are in for it 

when you look up and see 

...in the silence of your space.....

mere minutes 

have turn to hours. 

You haven't spoken a word

but your head is screaming 

and you don't know why. 

And in those internal screams, 

you heart grows heavy. 

And thats when you try and not to cry. 

For you know now how to shed tears. 

But if you shed tears now

its washes away the confidence you've worked for

and reveals what scars remained underneath. 

Fossil

Its funny to think
that people say
"Just forget the past"
"Move on from it"
"Its holding you back"

Especially to me,
Someone's who's whole
passion in life
is to have his hands
deep in the Earth
for old bones
of creatures long past.

My memories are like that too.
Love
Loss
Pain
Joy
Bliss
Self Discovery
The Hard Times

My past is what made me
well...
ME .

Its okay to change
some people need it,
to make for certain
that their past is cleansed
so they can start anew.

I am not saying that I know myself
how to handle the past the best
since mine own haunts me
still
with anxious memories
attempted suicides
and devastating heartbreak.

But the past shouldn't be scary.
It should be like going to a museum
to see old dinosaur bones.
They tower over you as they show your history
and respect and are in awe
that they once existed.

But the moment those old bones
with their toothy maws
and enormous and monstrous strength
rattle their nonexistent lungs
and turn there scarred and terrible faces
at you for looking too long.

Run for the hills,
because one of those monsters
might come out to live again.

Returning Glories

Returning Glories 

Of all the faces 
of all who I wished 
a merry little Christmas....

It was those big bright 
autumn eyes that answered. 

Despite the cold winter 
that shined in day, 
talking to you always 
reminds me of being out 
in an autumn noon, 
amongst the changing leaves 
and fading bird songs. 

But I am still in love with 
another and far more recent fall memory
that comforted me in ways 
that sadly outmatched your own. 

But, I do agree with you. 

I miss the complicated simplicity 
that you and I shared. 
You were my first "Yes" 
after all. 

For all we know, you and I are still intertwined. 
I truly don't know 
and don't want to wrap myself up in false hopes 
to protect 
or distract 
me from my current woes. 

I simply don't know. 
And as you know,
I really really don't like not knowing. 

But I guess we'll see
if this wandering soul 
returns to see 
the Glory of days long past. 

The Way is Shut......

The way is shut
like the "Tolkienism" it incites.
Souls have made it so
but the only difference about the
dishonor that dwells in those souls
is that those who have built
this winding road of twists and pitfalls
are not from the realm of the dead,
but the wold of the living.

Well at the crossroads
these living souls may as well be dying memories,
shells of far worse monsters born
from exciting adventures and beautiful moments
that have savagely evolved into feral torments.

"Home" crumbles in my mouth
as my heart breaks for the hope
that since the hospital,
I have carried for others that I thought were true.
I do what I can to be truthful
and to be honest
and me.

I have done a lot in my life,
but few think they have done the same.

I sense a darkness is coming
one that I have already faced.
One that I know I will never truly defeat it,
but I am more prepared for it than ever.

What horrifies me that this shadow
with its ever reaching tendrils isn't going after me,
but attacking directly the ones that I truly care about.

They look like puppets
as they dangle over their own vices and fears.
How I see them
flail and fail
without taking notice
how fine they all have it.

The freedom that they have
in their own lives.

I feel that I unleashed a most dangerous
and unpredictable beast
into the world, stirring this
gruesome visage
that has been sleeping
unseen in the depths of my being.

It unknowingly set up a network of horrors,
having spawned things that have
stirred a fear for those around me.

It has purged me
and I feel eerily refreshed.

Ten thousand miles as an observer
I see the truth.

That I am and will be alone.
My honestly scares people

Side Effect

Side Effect 

A side effect of knowing what you have 

and truly appreciating it 

is also understanding in an instant 

it could be gone forever. 

It can be uprooted and lost to the winds. 

You know what happens in the while while you sleep for hope, 

because you can wake up and it could be gone. 

Family could pass. 

Your friend could use your secrets against you. 

Or behind those typed words, 

its just being said to just say it. 

You unknowingly evolve to expect the fear that is reality, 

the gnawing and gut wrenching 

feeling that this world 

is always going to try and break you. 

The only way I know to cure this aliment of happiness

is to simply sleep. 

Because nightmares can haunt you. 

But its reality that will kill you. 

Cold Fall

Cold Fall 

Its been almost two weeks now 
but it feels like in that time 
I have been long forgotten. 

I know it hasn't. 

I know those feelings are in there, 
somewhere....
inside the mysterious thing known as a 
"heart" 

I wonder if it would be easier if I had also 
distractions, plans, and groups of people to see, 
like yourself and the adventurous life 
that I can see from my feed. 

But it feels like that you've replaced my role 
(which I also know is untrue) 

I shouldn't wig out 
but I am. 

Why do I have to send the first message 
to old friends who know how far I am. 
How much I miss their friendship. 

Was it all words in the end? 

Was it just a dream to you?
And it was only his kiss that woke you from it? 

That kiss.... 

Something not born of 2014 
but from the damaged anxieties 
that left me broken in the year before. 

Am I akin to Lucifer? 
Falling from heavenly realms
because I chose a different path. 

To be bastardized by comrades 
as a mad devil? A creature of torment? 
All for trying to go against the socialized truth 
that seems to be all for against honestly 
and hiding behind false gods and angels 
of the pleasures and quick fixes. 

In my free-all from heaven to hell, 
I wish I had my life as a book to read on  
the cold plummet down. 
As the ice winds surround my fallen body 
in a vortex of snow and emotionless wails, 
I so wish I could just turn the pages to the end 
so I know what is coming. 

As a child I always read the last page first, 
knowing that I wouldn't understand unless I read the whole thing 
for it to make perfect sense. 
So I would be okay with the closure 
of closing a book to go for another one. 

I wish I could see the end of all this, 
so I know as my Nan once said, 
"This too shall pass." 
Pass into what? 
Because in a few pages, 
all I know this could leave me cold again. 

Unfinished.......

Unfinished....

The old wind beckons to me 

that gale that is 

cold but whispers the warmth 

of a year long gone. 

You never forget your first "Yes" 

and the hole that it leaves in you 

when its gone.......

Should I?

Should I? 

Should I attempt again? 
Not in the way I have before. 
A mental suicide and even though I am alive 
I disappear into the shadows 
of the ones that I call "friends." 

The sword is a double edged blade and I wield it 
careful to new people. 

But i can't now trust it with those I know? 
Or more accurate, "knew" 

Its weird to think that home is this 
roost of boys and girls 
who only think of the now 
and high school affairs. 

Forever stuck in in the past. 
Why is it I despise it? 

I have so far lived a good life. 

I understand everyone struggles. 
But....I am so envious of everyone
with their plights? 

REGEN14

The lines are drawn 

and I can feel 

it trying to prepare 

to lay another all mighty crusade

against the palisade that I built. 

The barricade leaks the shadowy thoughts 

like acid rain 

on my brain. 

Targeting the still scabbing wounds 

that I myself inflicted 

the blindness of fear. 

I am my own weapon 

for I am a sword against myself 

and the shield to protect me 

from...well...

me 

It convulses like a wriggling mass 

of dying decay 

Growing foul with each passing day. 

Knock knock 

it says

behind its 

wolfish grin, 

“Let me out to play” 

I have accepted 

and forgiven 

my anxiety ridden Hyde 

who lurks behind my 

optimistic eyes. 

But I am a beast 

no more. 

I will not let it turn 

me into a 

faux king 

who presides 

over corrupted 

and fleeting memories. 

This is round three. 

For me, 

this is 

“REGEN14” 

So come on 

You monstrous depression 

and ravenous anxiety. 

I know what you are now. 

Come and get me. 

I”m ready for you. 

I’m ready to forgive you.

Mocha

Mocha 

So we are friends 

because of a choosy cat 

called “Mocha.” 

We would soon find out 

that we have similar friends. 

Enjoy the fine art in rubber suited monsters. 

And worlds that we thought were not still tapped in 

the states we would be at our age. 

Being “adults” and all....

You became an “untouchable” to me. 

Though I will not lie that sometimes 

in the most sincere manner, 

I longed for your touch. 

But thoughts have longed since faded 

from that young freshman 

who sat oddly on your floor 

with a cat purring loudly. 

You became my “Alex”, 

A sister soul mate

who supports me from such 

a long long way ways . 

Tears have been shed 

because we care 

and remind each other to breathe. 

In a time of life change and 

long distance....

We’ve still managed 

to be friends. 

To geek 

To laugh 

To cry 

To fight our monsters 

together. 

I write this little longy verse 

to say: 

Thank You. 

You are amazing. 

Always be you. 

Because without you, 

I may have never found me.