Stuttering Heartbeats

Stuttering Heartbeats 

The twilight happiness 
that I have found in the warmth 
of friends and nights or feeling that I am worth 
fades as clouds of memories start to flood back 
the powerful emotions that roamed so freely 
amongst my hallways of bones 
echoes of a stuttering heartbeat 

All these visions and memories 
come in with the spring rain 
but each drop that I thought was finally cleansing me 
is start to poison me and fill my lungs
like I am drowning again. 

I can help feel that I am starting to walk in a circle 
and step on foot steps I have already treaded on
even though I swore I would never go down that road again. 

As the needs of the day start to weigh in 
I feel tied down as I still struggle 
to find the peace that can cut off the feeding tendrils 
to the creature that dwells in the deep dark 
of the ribbed cage that is within me. 

My heart stutters as it tries to find the words 
that I've never known or learned 

The words that won't make me question
and won't let the shadowed thoughts
have the advantage