What I Miss

What I Miss 

Its an odd thing 
to miss 
but I miss flying down
from my travels 
and have that exhilarating rush 
in my heart. 

I am a lucky one. 

I am young to this world 
but I've already done so much. 

I've gone to the bottom of the ocean 
swimming among pirate ships 
and encountering creatures 
that will never taste 
the fresh taste of air. 

I've gone to the rim of Lost Worlds 
and see animals unknown to our world problems 
live their lives in herds 
in prides 
and play in the circle of life. 

I've gone to isolated stretches 
of deep rain forests 
and lived in the brief shoes 
tribes men that until recently 
learned what English even sounded like. 

I've met celebrities on whims 
and talented souls 
that continue to inspire me 
to pursue my own passions.  

I have dug into the Earth 
and pulled out the remains 
of titans and beings 
that nothing existing has seen. 

I've created worlds and creatures
and some of them 
achieve life amongst the very things
that inspired them. 

I've battled my own demons 
in ways that some can relate 
while many 
many can not. 

With all of that.

With all I've done in a measly 
twenty three years. 

I miss those flights on planes 
when I was touching down somewhere 
knowing it to be "home" 
and that at the terminal. 

There was someone there. 

Someone with big eyes. 
Someone with a smile. 

Someone with an embrace for me. 

Just for me. 

And it is then that I am humbled. 

Because despite all that I've done. 
She would remind me 
that there will always be more to the world 
for us to explore. 

I miss that feeling.

A Wall

A Wall 

Sometimes it feels like a wall 
or a missing line that I do not know. 


The worst thing is that its starting to act up 
quite monstrously again. 

The more I feel like I'm behind a wall 
the more the wall becomes a prison 
and I know I am the one that put me there 
but not becomes I'm a villain. 

But if I stay behind that wall enough 
I start to think I am. 

While on the other side of the wall
I can feel free and ready to fly 
but then I notice my feathers aren't as pretty 
as the other fliers. 

My isolation behind the wall 
makes it harder for me to connect 
and then I wish I was behind the comfort of the wall 
and I desperately try and get behind it. 

And when I do 
the cycle begins all over again. 

And in my age, I now just wish 
for a life of in-between 

and not one that is so white and black. 

Hurricane

Hurricane 

Its odd to think how long ago that was 
but really it was just a blink of an eye. 

The memories of that week 
only come to me when someone 
says "Hurricane" 

I read about it in a comic 
and it made me laugh. 

Honestly, my memories of our love 
are starting to fade from feelings 
to just well
memories. 

I still remember the bad ones, 
but I do my best to remember the good ones. 

The drives around the City of Music 
the lazy afternoons in your room studying 
the cold nights on the beach when a new year would toll. 

Most of all, 
I remember that weekend 
when we tried to fix what we lost. 

If only I had known the truth 
and wasn't so focused on how much it hurt 
I sometimes wonder if you would still be 
that small but big thing in my life. 

Our love was like a hurricane, 
the farther apart we were 
the most destructive we got. 

But in the center of that chaos, 
it was always peaceful with a chance of rain. 

But like most hurricanes, 
these memories are seasonal and eventually fade. 

Their presence only remembered in stories 
and old dusty pictures 
hidden away. 

Sometimes....

Sometimes...

I wish it was caused by substance. 

I wish it caused by the drink. 
Or the music. 
Or all the pleasurable things 
that a man can do 
to cause him his erratics.  

But in truth 
I am not like most men. 

Some call it a gift, 
I know I do at times 
but at other times its a curse 
to know for sure 
that it is your faults at play. 

Triggered by the simplest things. 

A messaged unanswered. 

A voice not spoken. 

Distant faces in a crowd. 

The feeling that a wall that everyone but I 
can penetrate. 

A word or a memory 
that carries the scares 
that were at the cause of self-discovery. 

People say they can listen 
but I can tell its hard. 

No one really wants to hear internal suffering, 
to see the monsters and open scares of the mind 
hidden at first behind warm smiles,  
for it is the hardest to relate. 

And at our age 
no one can handle the truth 
that this world is a lot darker 
than I like to say it is. 

Nightmares

Nightmares

My nightmares always seem to be 
about the same thing. 
Over and over again. 

It is I, 
in this present, 
trying to redeem friendships 
that I have lost in the past. 

When I made some of my most 
life changing mistakes, 
the revelations that set me down 
this long and uphill road, 
I take some comfort that they are happy. 

Those magnificent people 
who were the friends
that inspired me to be strong....

I miss them terribly. 

And yes, 
I still do have some of those friends
back in the lands of yester years, 
when I began my journey in this new found life. 

But some memories...
...some moments....
will always make me smile 
while at the same time 
reminds me of a horrible truth. 

That I am a man 
who has committed sins 
and still must work 
on his own self redemption. 

Had another...

Had Another....

Dream about you. 
Again. 

They happen from time to time. 
Whenever I except how much 
I now fear being intimate 
with most. 

But then I go to sleep with this fear
and I have a dream 
all about being close to you. 

How it was never hard 
to love you. 

It was...just love
it was hard
easy
stressful 
and fun. 

Sometimes
when I look at the knitted memories 
I still carry 
since they no longer hurt me 
or try give me some 
unrequited hope, 
I whisper to myself 
"I love you still." 

Sometimes I wonder
if its just the memory 
or I just still feel 
the connection. 

A shame 
that we may never see each other again 
for I am here
and you are there. 


And for me
I no longer belong there. 

In fact, 
I don't belong in anyone's there. 

Could Have...

Could Have... 


I could have done more 
when I really thought about it, 

but I thought I made it clear 
that I had feelings for you. 

I thought I said "I liked you" 
"I wish I was there" 
"We could wake up together" 
"You make me happy" 

But then again, 
it could have been all in my head. 

Like it always is. 

And like it always is 
I always some how to burn something 
and leave another scar. 


Sometimes I wish I didn't unknowingly wittle away 
all because I decide to take a chance 
and like someone more than I honestly want. 

And whats worse 
that side of me 
the cruel and more human side 
wishes to just prove you wrong 
that it was a two way street
and show you the exact places
in which you misread 
my words 
on the extent of how I feel. 

It seems whenever I use my heart 
it just causes more confusion 
because deep down 
I've always been afraid 
to let someone in 
due to the past 
where I always placed 
second place 
due to timing. 

Untitled...

Untitled 

This is corny
rash
and strange.

But I just spent most of my night
talking with just you
in a way like I know you
but at the same time,
I don't.

I selfishly don't care
if you don't think you haven't done much.
To me..you have done so much more
than I ever have
because you lived your life.

You traveled to the now
but it is not hard to see the past
and those whispers of pain
that seem to silently flow out
from that gorgeous grin.

You have eyes that sparkle like stars
but the darkness of this world
is forever visibly haunting.

And that is okay.

It is alright.

I like you because I see all of this
but still want to hang round,
just to see you smile.

As we lay around
talking the night away
about the silly little things,
the scars hurt a little less.

Allowing the weight of caring for others
feel a little lighter.

And most comforting of all
that we are not alone
in our not so secret desire
that we really just want to be left alone.

Jealousy

Jealousy 

Is not a word I use lightly, 
for I like to think that I 
am above such an emotion 
and accepting of all 
the situations I see 
that one could say 
is better than my own. 

I live a good life. 
A life that I wish many could have
for it is that good of a life. 

But as I work to bring peace to myself 
and aid in making others smile 
I see them 
with someone 
and I turn to think I'll see her, 
or her, 
or her....

but I see nothing 
but some photos of faraway people 
on the shelves of room 
that is built only for one. 

I kept saying to myself 
that I wasn't jealous. 

But secretly I was
and like a child 
I grew out of it, 
knowing that the jealousy wouldn't change
the choices you made.

And in that realization 
I came to a peace about 
myself
about her 
and about many other things. 

But I didn't think 
that these foundations 
would be challenged by two grim moments. 

In my evenings 
I longed for connection 
and in that longing 
I lost sight 
and my playful jokes
because cruel and unjust jabs. 

I didn't catch it at first
until I was told off 
and in my loneliness 
I saw that I wasn't jealous 
of the ones I fancied 
having someone that liked them. 

I was jealous that they could feel like it back, 
when 
I just want to run when something seems to point
that she could be the one. 

My youthfulness reminds 
that I am still on a long road 
of learning how to handle
and deal with my rouge emotions. 

My only wish is that I learn these lessons 
without the cost of loosing the ones
that worth these revelations 
of personal change 

Honestly

Honestly 

Life is good. 
Great even. 

The few blips of uncontrolled 
misfortune I have encountered though,
has made my mind 
wander 
into a forbidden realm 
that has only been recently boarded up. 

Small little whispers on the wind 
make me feel panic. 

That's not me anymore. 
I did my time as that person 
and I survived. 

But the scars 
like trenches 
on the ocean floor....
....still remain

And in those remaining crevasses 
the things of the abyss 
look on at me. 

I can still see them down there 
with their beady eyes 
and comforting darkness that those waters 
can bring. 

But I know its a trap, 
for even though they are content 
to remain in their realm of the dark, 
they will always thirst for the tears, 
the fear, 
the pain, 
the depression
that can bring even the strongest souls
to buckle down 
and wish for dreamless sleep. 

They live in waters that freeze me on contact 
and burn away others who try to swim and save me. 

I know how to swim 
and that knowledge is how 
I know that there is still hope for me

to continue 
to wander 
to grow

But in these fleeting hours of loss and
realizing the change of tides..

...have I truly accepted it? 

Or in my rush to leave the void 
I left something in the deep dark places
that is just waiting for the right time 
to rise 
and feed 
due to my own established self confidence? 

Snap

Snap 
crackle 
the twang of elastic 
stings my skin. 
I watch the prayer beads 
escape away into the subway car 
while the foreign strangers 
look at me 
the alien 
freeze as the sigh of stress 
begins to weaver in. 

Am I sick? 
Is it a sign? 
Can I really not handle 
the responsibilities 
of a social life? 

I seem to be able to make friends
and then loose them at a simple 
hello 
or 
goodbye. 

I hold back the depressing fears 
of a lonely alien in a land still foreign, 
a few of those around me 
attempt to help me in my futile effort 
to collect all my broken pieces. 

Its comforting to me. 

In a way. 

Prayer

Prayer 

In the course of my own personal evolution 
I constantly try and adapt
to thrive
and survive 
in a world where on paper
I shouldn't have made it as far as I have. 

An enigma 
that struggles to learn 
and become something tangible 
with the others known as the "human race". 

In the solitude of the night
when i lay on my couch 
covered in the outside glow 
of neon lights. 

I look into the void
and close my eyes. 

Not guided by religion 
but of spirit

I pray. 

I pray the same thing every night 
and probably will for a long long time. 

I pray that those around me are happy. 

I pray that those around them are happy. 

I pray that despite my flaws

my internal struggles

my external realities 

that I find my place in this world 

and in doing so 

that I have peace of mind 
body
and soul. 

And when I'm done praying
it goes unanswered. 

But I still prayer 
not because of belief 
but because I hope that my questions 
are being heard 
and that life will continue to do what I know it will do. 

Unknowingly shall I walk in the shadows 
so when my prayers are finally answered
I know that its done. 

That I am truly me. 
And that I did it all on my own. 

Gimmick

Gimmick 

I have charms 
and a little bit of excitement 
that makes people have a laugh 
or a good time. 

But with all this joy that I know 
I can give to the worlds 
that are not my own, 

I still return to that empty room
where the only stirrings 
are from a moody guinea pig 
and noises of the street below. 

Its a dark room 
with wide open windows
that bring in the neon lights 
of bars and social outings
for the people who are still going

Still going
without me. 

I'm not saying that I am envious 
of those in their social constructs 
to relieve the stress of the day. 

I am more or less content 
on my own little world 
of creation. 

But when I have the urge 
to communicate to more than myself 
or my little furry companion 

I feel lost in space 
as my messages in various mediums 
seem to go unanswered. 

Unnoticed. 

In some cases, 
forgotten. 

As I nestle into my bed 
and say my mantra aloud 
that I am not alone. 

The tendrils, 
those dark and suffocating tendrils 
of those darker parts of the cerebellum 
whisper the word...

gimmick 

gimmick

gimmick 

you are a gimmick. 

I can pride myself that I am somewhat a part of a variety of networks
and worlds that I can visit and see more than the one of monsters, 
gods, and things long gone from this Earth. 

But

those whispers get to me 
and feed the doubt 
on the human question 
that I matter. 

I know I matter to my universe 
and those that are tied to me in blood. 

But those worlds
outside my wide and cold glass windows,

am I more that just that strange but hilarious guy. 
A decent cook. 
Says somethings that make you think
or can make you laugh. 

These past years seem to be the autumn
for people change and leave 
and all I have are the memories 
stuck on my branches. 

But sometimes I feel like a fossil on display. 
My mighty bones inspire the young 
but to those who are elder
they just the bones of a fearsome creature 
that is no longer on this Earth. 

But that isn't true. 
I'm still here. 
I still have a story. 

I'm more than just a strange form of bones 
than just the gimmick 
to escape a rainy afternoon. 

Barriers

Barriers 

Like most people 

I unknowingly hit barriers 

that I myself 

have set up. 

These barriers

these barricades 

are structures built 

to protect the sheltered 

and fragile core 

of what I've come to know 

as simply me. 

But in these days 

of reaching out 

for stability 

and open doors 

to the soul, 

the once might structures turn vile. 

cemented with hurt memories

and lathered with petty jealousies,  

the protectors turn to jailers. 

Anxiety ropes me back 

in the effort for me to lunge forward 

like a dog on a chain.

As I try and bring down the old regime 

of bitterness and nervousness to those outside my walls, 

the depressed soul stirs 

and tries to coax me back into the familiar waters 

that nearly drowned me 

so long ago. 

With each timber I tear down 

I get more splinters

to remind of what I am losing 

with these new outgoing goals. 

But no matter how ragged my hands become 

from the opening wounds I create, 

I see the light on the other side of those lofty walls.

A reminder to those younger days 

when I wanted to welcome in the vast world around me 

instead of block it out 

and live in my own world 

of monsters and forgotten beasts. 

But that world is dying 

and I wish to adapt and fly away from it 

instead of perish into the most lonely of extinctions

as a creature in a cage. 

For a Friend

For a Friend


Its a dark hour for you 
and I sit here in a today that will become 
a tomorrow for you. 

I don't know what it will bring 
and I don't know what I can do for you. 

So I sit and write this 
in the awkward way I am. 

Some would consider you were dealt 
with an unlucky hand 
with things that you and we understand. 
But with the cards you got, 
you understand they are the only ones you got. 
And even though some may not see it, 
you cherish them through and through. 

Even though 
I poke fun and make a joke at you or two 
I always have respected
in the man that you continue to become. 

You may not be blood
but you are a brother to me. 
Your struggles will always be in a way my own
for I do care for you 
in the most brotherly way. 

I'm not always there for you 
but I want you to know 
I'm so proud of you
young man. 

You have broken the standard 
of those dealt with the cards you have
you are seeing the world
you are overcoming your own demons 
you have chains on your hands 
but you make them light enough 
to not weigh you down. 

I do not know 
if this random ass poem 
will help 
or seem rude. 

But in this dark hour 
I take a cue from you 
and try to find some sort of laugh
to lessen the time when 
we really shouldn't.

Vague Memories

Vague Memories 

Keep sneaking in 
when I come into emotional dead ends 
between myself and the fairer sex. 

Some say the stars, 
mostly the rings of Saturn 
have some astrological pull 
on my otherwise terrible dating life. 

Others say that I need to filter more often 
and not push so much of myself 
out of the open. 

You know, 
talk about the weather and whats on tv 
than creatures that are either long extinct 
or just a simply fantasy. 

And there are some that say I'm still too young 
which bugs the hell out of me 
since it seems that most everyone I know 
has someone or something that 
keeps them warm 
under the sheets. 

And it is in these moments of doubt
I remember the year 
that dwells in the memories now 
of my heart and soul. 

I remember a lot of the bad, 
but I also remember a lot of the good. 

Maybe my soul 
personality 
and style 
is a bit unorthodox. 

I'm slightly overweight 
and in a constant struggle to improve
my inner as well as my outer self. 

But I get these memories, 
usually of that giggle 
the smile
those eyes that will always remind me 
of fall days in the sun 
cold nights on the beach 
spring songs in the rain 
and summers full of pitfalls and change. 

I don't believe 
that I will ever get her back
and if I did 
I probably wouldn't believe it. 

But she still fell in love with a former me. 
If she could do it once. 

Then someone


someone has to find me 
and I her 

Because who ever it is 
that will one day bring 
a final chapter that turns 
my story 

to our story, 


is probably smiling 
laughing 
and wondering 
like me, 
where the hell am I? 

Saturn

Saturn 

In astrology 
celestial rings 
circle a sphere 
that is destined to drift 
in a vast and limitless space. 

The stars shine 
moments that take years
centuries 
to reach us. 

Some believe 
it is here 
in the nothingness of space
that our destines are held and planned. 

Horoscopes and cycles 
match up with our everyday 
fueling a belief 
on the who 
and hows of what we are. 

Is there a merit 
behind these fantastic notions? 
That objects that are high and unseen by 
our naked eye 
look down on us 
nudge us
shape us 
to represent what they truly believe is right 
to wander in their heavenly homes? 

A full moon can cause one to be riddled with 
anxiety. 
The stars can shine brightly in the distance and 
inspire. 
The sun radiates its fiery and central lights to 
illuminate. 
The night with its darkness and mystery can 
hide. 

Do the interstellar lines 
serve us as guidelines 
for the independent soul
or they more like the strings 
for a pantheon of planets and stars 
to play with? 

In this belief 
of lines crossing 
that we bring
mind over the natural laws 
to lead us 
to our predicted beliefs.  

Sonder15

Sonder15

And so 
another Auld Lang Syne 
whistles through the timelines 
symbolizing yet another year 
that I'm still here. 

Its amazing how much things have changed
in the past two years. 

I've gone from falling 
to now a more control falling some would call flying. 

I've gone from a grim reality 
to a more realistic one. 

My armor is dented 
but still protects me. 

New opportunities 
help make way for new hardships. 

Teetering between evolutionary salvation 
and damnation to extinction. 

But I'm still here 
writing crappy poetry 
believing in the strangest things
falling in love with things that are from afar 
or right near me.  

People have faded 
come back 
and faded again. 

But its okay. 
That is life. 
The Regen14 has come to a close 
for I am a new me that has never been tested. 

There is no more hiding 
there is no more real fear of nothing. 

Its just me 
and this world
and we are both going to sonder along 
and whistle a tune 
until the next Aud Lang Syne. 

Faraway Spots

Faraway Spots 

Faraway spots 
drift in and out of my mind  
as I prepare for the minutes
hours, 
and days ahead. 

I think of you. 
and me. 
Nothing really romantic 
but at the same time 
not just a usual friendship  
of doing nothing. 

Just kind of enjoying the presence
that the other brings to 
well to put it bluntly 
the lonely road we accepted reluctantly 
to stroll on. 

My heart wanders 
as I walk among these foreign streets 
thinking of this one and that 
in my own personal quest of desire 
to fill a hole that is long been just a hole. 

But then I get a word of you
a snap of a smile
a moment of your day 
and it infatuates me 
to the point where nothing bad can happen 
as long as I know you are on  
the other side of those invisible lines 
that can connect my written thoughts
to yours. 

I teach 
you create 
I build worlds
and you see beyond ours. 

If there is some kind of inkling of something
that grows 
it is a new one on me 
since the happiness I feel 
when I see that smile 
that carries light despite the 
storms that toss and turn you. 

That albatross smile 
guides me to safe harbor 
for its nice to see 
that I'm not the only one 
lost at sea 
but still knowing that one day 
we'll make it ashore 
to faraway spots 
in this wide wide world.