Jealousy

Jealousy 

Is not a word I use lightly, 
for I like to think that I 
am above such an emotion 
and accepting of all 
the situations I see 
that one could say 
is better than my own. 

I live a good life. 
A life that I wish many could have
for it is that good of a life. 

But as I work to bring peace to myself 
and aid in making others smile 
I see them 
with someone 
and I turn to think I'll see her, 
or her, 
or her....

but I see nothing 
but some photos of faraway people 
on the shelves of room 
that is built only for one. 

I kept saying to myself 
that I wasn't jealous. 

But secretly I was
and like a child 
I grew out of it, 
knowing that the jealousy wouldn't change
the choices you made.

And in that realization 
I came to a peace about 
myself
about her 
and about many other things. 

But I didn't think 
that these foundations 
would be challenged by two grim moments. 

In my evenings 
I longed for connection 
and in that longing 
I lost sight 
and my playful jokes
because cruel and unjust jabs. 

I didn't catch it at first
until I was told off 
and in my loneliness 
I saw that I wasn't jealous 
of the ones I fancied 
having someone that liked them. 

I was jealous that they could feel like it back, 
when 
I just want to run when something seems to point
that she could be the one. 

My youthfulness reminds 
that I am still on a long road 
of learning how to handle
and deal with my rouge emotions. 

My only wish is that I learn these lessons 
without the cost of loosing the ones
that worth these revelations 
of personal change