Past or Present Tensions

Past or Present Tensions 

I sit here 
in my office 
feeling like I am a man 
stuck on an island where 
all the ships past
and my S.O.S 
is only greeted 
with ignoring looks 
and little goodbyes. 

The tempest of tears 
floods me internally 
as I come to the conclusion 
I seem unable 
to forgive myself 
for the selfish action 
that put me on this isolated island 
in the first place. 

I sit on the shores of sanity 
and look at the turbulent seas of madness 
to question the minds of far off lands 
if I am spoken in the past 
or the present tense. 

Why does it seem that as the storms break 
everyone went for cover 
and barred their doors 
and left me out to face 
the drowning rain 
and booming voice 
that stings the lighting thoughts
 of those memories 
of words of bonds 
that fractured 
the good memories that kept me going
when all seemed lost. 

I wish I could translate 
the feeling to people 
that only a few I personally know 
understand 
when one leaves a blank bed 
in an even blanker and sterilized room 
into the every racing game of life. 

Sometimes I forget that I am still 
in a physical form 
because I feel like my presence 
is just of a specter 
that haunts the graveyard memories 
of others. 

I see things 
and hear things
and I wonder if I'm the first thing they think
because it was something that my passions would grab. 

But it seems like its all own their own 
and I'm just left for dead. 
And its an awful feeling 
because I know that feeling all to well. 

I have all this light around in the distant 
calls that tell me the good things 
but the distance leaves it 
to be tarnished by the tempest 
and distorts the feeling 
into yet another memory
a Sunday memory 
that to me 
was the ultimate disrespect
and maybe that explains why 
those that matter to me 
find someone so easily 
because I'm a faulty expense 
and exchanges should be made
before I break down
and forever pass 
into the past tensions
of that phantom memory.