Jealousy

Jealousy 

Is not a word I use lightly, 
for I like to think that I 
am above such an emotion 
and accepting of all 
the situations I see 
that one could say 
is better than my own. 

I live a good life. 
A life that I wish many could have
for it is that good of a life. 

But as I work to bring peace to myself 
and aid in making others smile 
I see them 
with someone 
and I turn to think I'll see her, 
or her, 
or her....

but I see nothing 
but some photos of faraway people 
on the shelves of room 
that is built only for one. 

I kept saying to myself 
that I wasn't jealous. 

But secretly I was
and like a child 
I grew out of it, 
knowing that the jealousy wouldn't change
the choices you made.

And in that realization 
I came to a peace about 
myself
about her 
and about many other things. 

But I didn't think 
that these foundations 
would be challenged by two grim moments. 

In my evenings 
I longed for connection 
and in that longing 
I lost sight 
and my playful jokes
because cruel and unjust jabs. 

I didn't catch it at first
until I was told off 
and in my loneliness 
I saw that I wasn't jealous 
of the ones I fancied 
having someone that liked them. 

I was jealous that they could feel like it back, 
when 
I just want to run when something seems to point
that she could be the one. 

My youthfulness reminds 
that I am still on a long road 
of learning how to handle
and deal with my rouge emotions. 

My only wish is that I learn these lessons 
without the cost of loosing the ones
that worth these revelations 
of personal change 

Honestly

Honestly 

Life is good. 
Great even. 

The few blips of uncontrolled 
misfortune I have encountered though,
has made my mind 
wander 
into a forbidden realm 
that has only been recently boarded up. 

Small little whispers on the wind 
make me feel panic. 

That's not me anymore. 
I did my time as that person 
and I survived. 

But the scars 
like trenches 
on the ocean floor....
....still remain

And in those remaining crevasses 
the things of the abyss 
look on at me. 

I can still see them down there 
with their beady eyes 
and comforting darkness that those waters 
can bring. 

But I know its a trap, 
for even though they are content 
to remain in their realm of the dark, 
they will always thirst for the tears, 
the fear, 
the pain, 
the depression
that can bring even the strongest souls
to buckle down 
and wish for dreamless sleep. 

They live in waters that freeze me on contact 
and burn away others who try to swim and save me. 

I know how to swim 
and that knowledge is how 
I know that there is still hope for me

to continue 
to wander 
to grow

But in these fleeting hours of loss and
realizing the change of tides..

...have I truly accepted it? 

Or in my rush to leave the void 
I left something in the deep dark places
that is just waiting for the right time 
to rise 
and feed 
due to my own established self confidence? 

Snap

Snap 
crackle 
the twang of elastic 
stings my skin. 
I watch the prayer beads 
escape away into the subway car 
while the foreign strangers 
look at me 
the alien 
freeze as the sigh of stress 
begins to weaver in. 

Am I sick? 
Is it a sign? 
Can I really not handle 
the responsibilities 
of a social life? 

I seem to be able to make friends
and then loose them at a simple 
hello 
or 
goodbye. 

I hold back the depressing fears 
of a lonely alien in a land still foreign, 
a few of those around me 
attempt to help me in my futile effort 
to collect all my broken pieces. 

Its comforting to me. 

In a way. 

Prayer

Prayer 

In the course of my own personal evolution 
I constantly try and adapt
to thrive
and survive 
in a world where on paper
I shouldn't have made it as far as I have. 

An enigma 
that struggles to learn 
and become something tangible 
with the others known as the "human race". 

In the solitude of the night
when i lay on my couch 
covered in the outside glow 
of neon lights. 

I look into the void
and close my eyes. 

Not guided by religion 
but of spirit

I pray. 

I pray the same thing every night 
and probably will for a long long time. 

I pray that those around me are happy. 

I pray that those around them are happy. 

I pray that despite my flaws

my internal struggles

my external realities 

that I find my place in this world 

and in doing so 

that I have peace of mind 
body
and soul. 

And when I'm done praying
it goes unanswered. 

But I still prayer 
not because of belief 
but because I hope that my questions 
are being heard 
and that life will continue to do what I know it will do. 

Unknowingly shall I walk in the shadows 
so when my prayers are finally answered
I know that its done. 

That I am truly me. 
And that I did it all on my own. 

Gimmick

Gimmick 

I have charms 
and a little bit of excitement 
that makes people have a laugh 
or a good time. 

But with all this joy that I know 
I can give to the worlds 
that are not my own, 

I still return to that empty room
where the only stirrings 
are from a moody guinea pig 
and noises of the street below. 

Its a dark room 
with wide open windows
that bring in the neon lights 
of bars and social outings
for the people who are still going

Still going
without me. 

I'm not saying that I am envious 
of those in their social constructs 
to relieve the stress of the day. 

I am more or less content 
on my own little world 
of creation. 

But when I have the urge 
to communicate to more than myself 
or my little furry companion 

I feel lost in space 
as my messages in various mediums 
seem to go unanswered. 

Unnoticed. 

In some cases, 
forgotten. 

As I nestle into my bed 
and say my mantra aloud 
that I am not alone. 

The tendrils, 
those dark and suffocating tendrils 
of those darker parts of the cerebellum 
whisper the word...

gimmick 

gimmick

gimmick 

you are a gimmick. 

I can pride myself that I am somewhat a part of a variety of networks
and worlds that I can visit and see more than the one of monsters, 
gods, and things long gone from this Earth. 

But

those whispers get to me 
and feed the doubt 
on the human question 
that I matter. 

I know I matter to my universe 
and those that are tied to me in blood. 

But those worlds
outside my wide and cold glass windows,

am I more that just that strange but hilarious guy. 
A decent cook. 
Says somethings that make you think
or can make you laugh. 

These past years seem to be the autumn
for people change and leave 
and all I have are the memories 
stuck on my branches. 

But sometimes I feel like a fossil on display. 
My mighty bones inspire the young 
but to those who are elder
they just the bones of a fearsome creature 
that is no longer on this Earth. 

But that isn't true. 
I'm still here. 
I still have a story. 

I'm more than just a strange form of bones 
than just the gimmick 
to escape a rainy afternoon. 

Barriers

Barriers 

Like most people 

I unknowingly hit barriers 

that I myself 

have set up. 

These barriers

these barricades 

are structures built 

to protect the sheltered 

and fragile core 

of what I've come to know 

as simply me. 

But in these days 

of reaching out 

for stability 

and open doors 

to the soul, 

the once might structures turn vile. 

cemented with hurt memories

and lathered with petty jealousies,  

the protectors turn to jailers. 

Anxiety ropes me back 

in the effort for me to lunge forward 

like a dog on a chain.

As I try and bring down the old regime 

of bitterness and nervousness to those outside my walls, 

the depressed soul stirs 

and tries to coax me back into the familiar waters 

that nearly drowned me 

so long ago. 

With each timber I tear down 

I get more splinters

to remind of what I am losing 

with these new outgoing goals. 

But no matter how ragged my hands become 

from the opening wounds I create, 

I see the light on the other side of those lofty walls.

A reminder to those younger days 

when I wanted to welcome in the vast world around me 

instead of block it out 

and live in my own world 

of monsters and forgotten beasts. 

But that world is dying 

and I wish to adapt and fly away from it 

instead of perish into the most lonely of extinctions

as a creature in a cage. 

For a Friend

For a Friend


Its a dark hour for you 
and I sit here in a today that will become 
a tomorrow for you. 

I don't know what it will bring 
and I don't know what I can do for you. 

So I sit and write this 
in the awkward way I am. 

Some would consider you were dealt 
with an unlucky hand 
with things that you and we understand. 
But with the cards you got, 
you understand they are the only ones you got. 
And even though some may not see it, 
you cherish them through and through. 

Even though 
I poke fun and make a joke at you or two 
I always have respected
in the man that you continue to become. 

You may not be blood
but you are a brother to me. 
Your struggles will always be in a way my own
for I do care for you 
in the most brotherly way. 

I'm not always there for you 
but I want you to know 
I'm so proud of you
young man. 

You have broken the standard 
of those dealt with the cards you have
you are seeing the world
you are overcoming your own demons 
you have chains on your hands 
but you make them light enough 
to not weigh you down. 

I do not know 
if this random ass poem 
will help 
or seem rude. 

But in this dark hour 
I take a cue from you 
and try to find some sort of laugh
to lessen the time when 
we really shouldn't.

Vague Memories

Vague Memories 

Keep sneaking in 
when I come into emotional dead ends 
between myself and the fairer sex. 

Some say the stars, 
mostly the rings of Saturn 
have some astrological pull 
on my otherwise terrible dating life. 

Others say that I need to filter more often 
and not push so much of myself 
out of the open. 

You know, 
talk about the weather and whats on tv 
than creatures that are either long extinct 
or just a simply fantasy. 

And there are some that say I'm still too young 
which bugs the hell out of me 
since it seems that most everyone I know 
has someone or something that 
keeps them warm 
under the sheets. 

And it is in these moments of doubt
I remember the year 
that dwells in the memories now 
of my heart and soul. 

I remember a lot of the bad, 
but I also remember a lot of the good. 

Maybe my soul 
personality 
and style 
is a bit unorthodox. 

I'm slightly overweight 
and in a constant struggle to improve
my inner as well as my outer self. 

But I get these memories, 
usually of that giggle 
the smile
those eyes that will always remind me 
of fall days in the sun 
cold nights on the beach 
spring songs in the rain 
and summers full of pitfalls and change. 

I don't believe 
that I will ever get her back
and if I did 
I probably wouldn't believe it. 

But she still fell in love with a former me. 
If she could do it once. 

Then someone


someone has to find me 
and I her 

Because who ever it is 
that will one day bring 
a final chapter that turns 
my story 

to our story, 


is probably smiling 
laughing 
and wondering 
like me, 
where the hell am I? 

Saturn

Saturn 

In astrology 
celestial rings 
circle a sphere 
that is destined to drift 
in a vast and limitless space. 

The stars shine 
moments that take years
centuries 
to reach us. 

Some believe 
it is here 
in the nothingness of space
that our destines are held and planned. 

Horoscopes and cycles 
match up with our everyday 
fueling a belief 
on the who 
and hows of what we are. 

Is there a merit 
behind these fantastic notions? 
That objects that are high and unseen by 
our naked eye 
look down on us 
nudge us
shape us 
to represent what they truly believe is right 
to wander in their heavenly homes? 

A full moon can cause one to be riddled with 
anxiety. 
The stars can shine brightly in the distance and 
inspire. 
The sun radiates its fiery and central lights to 
illuminate. 
The night with its darkness and mystery can 
hide. 

Do the interstellar lines 
serve us as guidelines 
for the independent soul
or they more like the strings 
for a pantheon of planets and stars 
to play with? 

In this belief 
of lines crossing 
that we bring
mind over the natural laws 
to lead us 
to our predicted beliefs.  

Sonder15

Sonder15

And so 
another Auld Lang Syne 
whistles through the timelines 
symbolizing yet another year 
that I'm still here. 

Its amazing how much things have changed
in the past two years. 

I've gone from falling 
to now a more control falling some would call flying. 

I've gone from a grim reality 
to a more realistic one. 

My armor is dented 
but still protects me. 

New opportunities 
help make way for new hardships. 

Teetering between evolutionary salvation 
and damnation to extinction. 

But I'm still here 
writing crappy poetry 
believing in the strangest things
falling in love with things that are from afar 
or right near me.  

People have faded 
come back 
and faded again. 

But its okay. 
That is life. 
The Regen14 has come to a close 
for I am a new me that has never been tested. 

There is no more hiding 
there is no more real fear of nothing. 

Its just me 
and this world
and we are both going to sonder along 
and whistle a tune 
until the next Aud Lang Syne. 

Faraway Spots

Faraway Spots 

Faraway spots 
drift in and out of my mind  
as I prepare for the minutes
hours, 
and days ahead. 

I think of you. 
and me. 
Nothing really romantic 
but at the same time 
not just a usual friendship  
of doing nothing. 

Just kind of enjoying the presence
that the other brings to 
well to put it bluntly 
the lonely road we accepted reluctantly 
to stroll on. 

My heart wanders 
as I walk among these foreign streets 
thinking of this one and that 
in my own personal quest of desire 
to fill a hole that is long been just a hole. 

But then I get a word of you
a snap of a smile
a moment of your day 
and it infatuates me 
to the point where nothing bad can happen 
as long as I know you are on  
the other side of those invisible lines 
that can connect my written thoughts
to yours. 

I teach 
you create 
I build worlds
and you see beyond ours. 

If there is some kind of inkling of something
that grows 
it is a new one on me 
since the happiness I feel 
when I see that smile 
that carries light despite the 
storms that toss and turn you. 

That albatross smile 
guides me to safe harbor 
for its nice to see 
that I'm not the only one 
lost at sea 
but still knowing that one day 
we'll make it ashore 
to faraway spots 
in this wide wide world.