A Year

A Year 

has gone by since that afternoon sunset
where I went to sleep only to wake up
to the hiss of a kettle
and the urge for a friendly tea time.

A year has gone by
since that tear filled phone call
and worrying friends
while I recovered from my own
loss of self control.

I sit here in a foreign land
and I weep quite tears of seeing two stupid pictures
of happiness for someones once dear to me.

Boy have I lost a lot in the year that has gone.
Friends,
lovers,
chances,
opportunities,
and hell....
I nearly lost my soul.

But I have been reminded of what I do have,
family,
my memories of happier days,
the stories that still keep me strong,
and most importantly,
loving my own broken soul.

And what I have gained,
is so much more heartbreak
so much more fear
and so much faith in that this hardship
this road that I'm walking on
is going to reward me in ways
I can not even try and understand.

For the most part,
I don't think I've ever truly been happy.
But as I walk in the days of my re-birthday
I shed a tear and force a smile to nurture,
because there are still many more years to come
and even though my life will always be a struggle
I think I'm finally starting to come and accept
that simple little fact

Stuttering Heartbeats

Stuttering Heartbeats 

The twilight happiness 
that I have found in the warmth 
of friends and nights or feeling that I am worth 
fades as clouds of memories start to flood back 
the powerful emotions that roamed so freely 
amongst my hallways of bones 
echoes of a stuttering heartbeat 

All these visions and memories 
come in with the spring rain 
but each drop that I thought was finally cleansing me 
is start to poison me and fill my lungs
like I am drowning again. 

I can help feel that I am starting to walk in a circle 
and step on foot steps I have already treaded on
even though I swore I would never go down that road again. 

As the needs of the day start to weigh in 
I feel tied down as I still struggle 
to find the peace that can cut off the feeding tendrils 
to the creature that dwells in the deep dark 
of the ribbed cage that is within me. 

My heart stutters as it tries to find the words 
that I've never known or learned 

The words that won't make me question
and won't let the shadowed thoughts
have the advantage 

Whispers of Maybes

Whispers of Maybes 

For starters 
I really don't care 
but like all nights 
where you and I mingle 
with drink in hand 
and our stressful overthinking 
takes a swim in the spirits of a Friday night, 

we always look at each other 
like travelers at the other side of a bridge 
that we can not cross. 

I don't know what it is 
but we always click 
though we both know the outcome 
of our similarities 
meshing together. 

Granted the friction would be intoxicating 
and for the briefest moments we could share 
the feeling that you and I both desperately crave 

The feeling that we aren't alone. 
That when we wake up 
we aren't in the grasp of a cold isolation 
that foreign lands 
and daily struggles present to us 

As I tucked you sleep 
and I returned to my night of drinking and merry making 
I walked home alone and thought about the words I would remember
and you would most likely forget. 

It could be fun. 
The whispering "maybe" 
under our breath as we look passionately 
at each other 
knowing that it would be the easy way out 
and we have a nasty habit 
of falling for struggles. 

I Remember A Dance

I Remember A Dance 

I remember a dance 
from so long ago 
where even though we read lines
to get better grades 

we showed our peers 
the secret 
the taboo of classroom rules 
that we ironically 
and I guess presently 
tragically fell in love. 

The forgotten name 
to that play 
makes me laugh 
for I will remember its story 
of lovers lost 
and then found again 
despite the present lines 
that would keep them truly apart. 

As the lines faded 
as we danced the players songs 
I looked into your eyes 
for our finale kiss 

Those eyes 
those brown eyes that forever remind me 
of crisp fall evenings 
in a wood full of life 
and the mortality of living.

In that twilight memory 
I move my feet 
for I remember how to dance 
sadly without you